I was fumbling around in my office today when a girl from accounting came down. I’ve seen her around before, but I didn’t even know her name before today. We have a pretty big accounting department, and she isn’t the one who deals with my subsidiary.
Anyway, she came in and introduced herself and asked if I had a minute to talk. She looked distressed, and so of course I said yes. She then launched into a long story about what has been going on with her medically over the last few months. She has a possible endo diagnosis (she has not had an exploratory lap to confirm yet), and was apparently so upset that her boss (who I do know fairly well) told her a little about what I went through last year and sent her down to talk to me.
At first I was a bit uncomfortable. I don’t talk about my health much at work, not wanting to be passed over for anything because I am sick. Even when I am exhausted and feel like crud, I still try to pretend like everything is fine – it’s just easier that way. I certainly don’t talk about my future plans, because I’m just not so sure how that would go over. I kind of figure I’m not going to get everyone in an uproar about my status as a single mother until I am actually well on my way to being a single mother. There are no guarantees in this life, and as much as I hope that I am able to achieve a pregnancy – I’m not making any announcements at work until I have two lines and a belly that is starting to noticeably protrude.
So yes, I don’t talk about my situation much at work, and I was a little uncomfortable talking about my struggles with this disease and the treatments (and the fact that I throw up at my desk from the Lupron at least 2 days a week) while sitting in the comfort of my office - that is typically my endo free zone. No matter how I am feeling, that is my endo free zone. It just felt kind of wrong to open up about all of that, after all the time I have spent throwing out the “I’m doing great!” line there. But she was just so upset, and the more she talked the more I wanted to hug her.
She has been with a doctor who has been passing over her concerns for months now. I know that feeling. 7 months of being told everything was in my head; I know that feeling too well. It still kills me that I wasted so much time blindly believing that all doctors know best; that if a doctor is telling me there is nothing to my concerns, there must be nothing to my concerns. 7 months of being told my pain (pain to the point of throwing up and not being able to stand up straight) and bloating and illness were all in my head. I know how awful that feels.
It was because I remember that feeling that I started to warm up to her as she talked; I started to want to make her feel better. The poor thing was just about ready to give up. She said she has 3 kids and she just doesn’t care anymore. All she wants is someone to acknowledge what she is going through, but she is starting to believe that isn’t going to happen and she just wants to quit trying; she was seriously ready to accept this as her lot in life and give up on doctors appointments. Just move forward not caring anymore.
We talked for a long time, and I told her my story and how my diagnosis came about. I told her Endo wasn’t even mentioned as a possibility before I had my first lap, and that when I woke up and was told it had been everywhere I spent months getting my hands on every piece of information I could find. Honestly, in hearing her symptoms it didn’t sound to me like she had endo (but as I told her – I am certainly not a doctor), but it doesn’t even really matter what she has. She has pain. She has illness. She deserves answers.
I got her into my doctor. I figured I could at least get her to a doctor that I knew would listen to her. I told her about what a wonderful experience I have had since switching providers, and talked my current doctor up to the moon. By the time she left my office she was actually smiling and ready to keep fighting again – she looked relieved just to have had someone listen to her.
And that is when it dawned on me that sometimes there is a silver lining where you least expect it. When I first started going through this, I knew no one dealing with the same things. I felt very lost and alone; I felt like I was the only person who had ever gone through this. To have someone talk me through some of this in those early stages; to have someone tell me I wasn’t crazy? That would have made a difference in my life back then that I cannot even imagine now. To be able to give that to someone today kind of meant just as much.
None of us are ever going to be happy with our Endo/PCOS/Secondary Infertility/(add your diagnosis here) diagnosis’s. It is never going to be an easy road once you hear those words for the first time. Most of us don’t have people in our lives who can connect or understand. Many of us are walking alone on this road. But we don’t have to be. There are others out there in our shoes; others in the same position we were in a year ago, five years ago, and back when we can barely even remember how bad it hurt(someone please tell me that day does eventually come!) It felt nice to be able to say to someone today “I’ve been there. You will survive this.” It felt nice to be able to offer support to someone who is where I was last year.
If someone had told me then that I would be where I am today with the peace I have come to feel regarding all of this, I never would have believed them. If I can help someone else find a similar peace in the early stages of diagnosis (when everything feels as though it has been turned upside down), then isn’t that the best example of turning lemons into lemonade? We are not alone, and none of us has to go through this together.
And some days, you just have to be willing to see the silver lining.
ADSPACE
