I volunteer with Big Brothers Big Sisters, and it is one of my biggest passions. I think it is an amazing program, and I would highly encourage others to get involved. I’ve been with the girl I work with (Chatty) for about 18 months now. When I started working with her, her mom was on ankle bracelet monitoring. That concerned me at first, but her mom actually seemed like a decent enough person and as though she truly did care about her kids (at the time 3 with one on the way) – she seemed more like she was lacking the knowledge regarding how to parent, rather than the drive. I could respect that. She did genuinely seem to love her kids.
Mom got off ankle bracelet monitoring a few months ago though, and has been less and less present. She had baby number 4 in October (this babies daddy is now in jail), and Chatty has been telling me that her mom has been going out to “run errands” every night, and that she has been taking care of the baby.
Granted, Chatty is an exaggerator. I honestly never know how much to believe of what she is telling me because her stories always have a little added oomph. Overall, she is good kid. She is actually fiercely protective of her mom and doesn’t ever like to talk about the past, but she also likes for me to see her as the responsible helper – and I think sometimes she wants someone to feel sorry for her (and weren’t we all pretty similar in that way at 12?) So while I wasn’t sure what to think of Chatty’s stories initially, I also wasn’t too concerned.
Until I noticed that mom really was less and less there. It has been months since I have spoken to or seen her. Months. Months of me picking up her daughter and taking her who knows where every week. She doesn't seem the least bit concerned.
The other weird thing that has happened is that Chatty has stopped inviting me in the house. It used to be that I would pick her up and she would invite me in while she put on her jacket and finished getting ready. Now though; she barely cracks the door open, tells me she’ll be right out, and quickly closes it. I don’t know that it means anything beyond her just being a teenager who is starting to become embarrassed of her home. She has been to my condo quite a few times, and it is drastically different in cleanliness levels. It is very possible she is just starting to become embarrassed about the differences. But I don’t know…
Last weekend I went to pick her up, and her little sister (6 years old) was outside playing. Chatty made a bee-line for my car when her little sister says “Yes! I’m going to be alone!” Obviously this stopped me in my tracks and I asked Chatty if she was supposed to be watching her sister. She looked up sheepishly and said “Oh yeah. I forgot.” To which her sister replied “It’s OK, I get left home alone all the time!”
I never did get to the bottom of the situation. I don’t know if Chatty was supposed to be watching her sister and was going to take a quick getaway anyway (possible – however, if that is the case she clearly isn’t responsible enough to be watching her little sister) or if her mom knew she was going to be leaving her sister home alone, and Chatty was playing the “I forgot” card because she knew I wouldn’t be OK with that (also possible – like I said, Chatty has been very careful when it comes to protecting her mom). I honestly don’t know which scenario it was, but I don’t really think either is good. Nor did I like little sisters declaration that she is left home alone all the time. We're not talking about a good neighborhood here, not that that would even make a difference. Regardless, we obviously did not end up leaving her.
I called BBBS that night and left them a message. I spoke to my coordinator on Monday and let loose all of my concerns. She confided in me that she has also had a difficult time getting a hold of mom. She said she wasn’t going to take any action yet, but that she was going to try calling mom to set up a meeting to go over the ground rules of the program again (one of the big ones is that in theory the parent should always be there when we pick up so that we can go over anything new with the child – the parent shouldn’t be looking at this as a babysitting service but rather as a partnership to improve the child’s life). She promised me that she would get back in touch with me when she spoke to the mother. I still haven’t heard from her, which I’m assuming means that no contact has been made.
Tonight I had plans with Chatty to go shopping. She is desperately in need of her first bra, so I had promised her we would go out and get her one.
(side note: The Gap, Old Navy, and Banana Republic are all having a 30% off sale this weekend with 5% of the proceeds going to BBBS – You can get the coupon to participate here).
I showed up at her house though and she wasn’t there. Her older sister was watching her younger sister and said that she wasn’t sure where she was. No one was really sure where she was.
The worst thing is, this isn’t the first time this has happened. In fact, this has happened probably 20 times since I first started working with Chatty. I remember being appalled that a 10 year old could be running around with no one responsible knowing where she was, but after a while it just started to become annoying. Her mom seemed to have no concern for keeping track of her schedule, and as a result far too often she would blame Chatty for forgetting rather than taking responsibility as a parent.
I’m just upset now. This little girl has no one holding her accountable or caring where she is, who she’s with, or what she’s doing at any given point at time. No one cares. And she knows it. She knows she can come and go as she pleases and that no one cares. There are no rules, no boundaries, and no expectations.
I want to not make this about me, but I almost can’t help it. I almost can’t help wondering why this woman gets 4 kids, and I may not get any. I know it is not up to me to understand God’s plan, but sometimes this situation hurts me so badly. Sometimes I catch myself thinking “I would have so much more to give. So much more love. So much more time. Just so much more. Why does she get 4 when it will be so hard for me just to have 1?”
It hurts me. It hurts me to watch and it hurts to feel like there is nothing I can do to improve this little girl’s life. I honestly do not think she would be better in foster care (at least now she has all her siblings), but I don’t think things are good the way they are either. I feel like she deserves so much better, but I don’t know how to help her get it.
And if we are being completely honest (and I am being completely selfish) I don’t know how much more of this I can continue to watch. It brings out the worst side of me. The selfish, jealous, angry side.
Chatty called me over an hour after I was originally supposed to pick her up and we arranged for me to come get her then. I’ll admit it; I was angry. Not so much at her, but just at the situation. I was angry that no one was keeping track of this child.
I was probably a little short with her the entire drive. I know it isn’t her fault, but I was still just frustrated with her for some reason. When we got to the store though, it was an entirely different experience. Her eyes lit up. She never gets new things. She never has clothes that are only hers. So little made such a big difference.
I typically try not to buy her too much because when I’ve done so in the past things have mysteriously disappeared within a few weeks. She has hinted that mom has sold the items, and it’s made me not want to feed into that. Therefore, I tend to spend most of the money I budget for Chatty on things we do rather than things she can take home.
But, the last year I have seen her in nothing but sweatpants and ratty t-shirts. She goes to school like that; in clothes that don’t fit and are better suited for bed than public. Seeing how excited she got, I just kept piling things on. We even went through the arduous task of finding a pair of jeans that fit her. She is a bigger girl, and we had to try quite a few pairs – I get embarrassed buying jeans for myself, so I know this wasn’t exactly fun for her. At least not until we found the perfect pair, then she was on cloud nine!
In the end I sent her home with a new bra, a new pair of jeans, a few new tops, and a hoodie. Nothing. Honestly nothing. I’ve been coveting a pair of boots that are 4 times what I spent on Chatty tonight, yet she was through the moon with excitement. She was talking about how much everyone at school was going to like her new green shirt, and how jealous her sister was going to be about her jeans. You would have thought I had just given her a new car for all the excitement and gratefulness she had.
And I felt like a jerk. Because, this isn’t about me. It has nothing to do with me. How can I look at that situation and allow myself to get so agitated when there is still so much I can do? How can I even consider quitting because it hurts my feelings to watch, when that little girl relies on me so much?
It is not about me. Not everything is about me. Sometimes other peoples stories are just more important.
And sometimes it takes so very little to show a child you care.
A child who desperately needs to know that someone cares.
ADSPACE
