My church is doing a series on sex right now.
Admittedly one of my favorite topics, and we’re talking about it in church. I’m not gonna lie: I think that’s pretty cool. A lot of churches seem to avoid these topics because they are afraid of offending someone, or of making them uncomfortable. I personally think it is bold to take the subject on, and to do so with grace, acceptance, and love in mind.
I was having a pretty rough weekend with the new shot kicking in. I just didn’t feel well at all, and all I wanted to do was sleep. Sunday morning I woke up and pretty much convinced myself it was going to have to be a skip church kind of day (my head was throbbing, and already I just wanted to go back to bed), but then I remembered we were talking about sex and that my favorite pastor (the young guy with a faux hawk, guitar, and skinny jeans) was speaking – I wasn’t about to miss that.
They started off with something I probably needed to hear: the statement that there was no judgment in these talks and that redemption is always there. They said that if you started to feel dirty, or guilty, or sinful for your past; that isn’t God’s intention – even if you are dirty, and guilty, and sinful!
Basically it was just a conversation about what God wants for us, and what a gift sex can be if used appropriately. A lot of things that I probably needed to think about. A lot of talk about how humans are becoming more and more devalued and how quick we are to embrace our “animal” nature now – how quick we are to look at our less than pretty actions and say “it’s only natural.”
I called my dad as I was leaving church. I told him about the sermon and he asked if I had learned anything. I said that I had learned that I am a whore and apparently I was supposed to save sex for marriage. I then thanked him for working so hard to teach me that lesson.
The poor guy just laughed and said “I’m pretty sure I taught you that, you were just too stubborn to listen.”
Oh yeah. I guess he’s right.
For the record – I don’t typically talk to my dad about my sexual conquests (eeewww) but he does know I’m not exactly a virgin. As my sole parent, he knew that pretty much when it happened after I had a “scare” a few weeks after the fact. He somehow survived that without killing me (and was actually comforting and supportive when I was terrified), although I don’t know how.
Anyway, all this talk about sex and church got me thinking, and for the first time I can remember (seriously – this isn’t something I typically worry about. I like embracing my animal nature!) I started to worry that maybe I have been using sex wrong my entire life.
I’ve used sex for a lot of things over the years. I’ve used it to get my way, to sooth a bad day, to prove my worth; I’ve even used it for revenge. Only once did I use it for love. Only once did it really mean something. Even then, it didn’t start out that way. I took a man who wanted to wait and get to know me slowly (a man who was in no rush to take that step and who wanted to value me and treat me like I was something special) and I seduced the heck out of him 3 weeks into the whole thing. I couldn’t handle us not having sex. I didn’t know how to connect if we weren’t doing that. I didn’t know how to show him how amazing I was (or even how I felt about him), if sex wasn’t involved.
Maybe I shouldn’t admit any of that, but it’s true.
Do you want more truth? I have now gone longer without sex (5 months) than I have ever gone since losing my virginity at 16.
And I don’t see that changing anytime soon.
I was doing my bible study this week and there were a lot of things that stood out to me. It was talking about following God’s Rule (God’s plan) because He knows best. There were a lot of examples of what happens when we ignore those rules, and it isn’t really pretty. It isn’t pretty, because time and time again we (as humans) fool ourselves into thinking we know best. We fool ourselves into thinking we know what we need.
I personally have fooled myself for a long time about a lot of things.
There was a story that resonated with me, because it talked about walking beside God, and the points at which the footprints turned to just one set. I thought I had heard this story before (that those are the points when God carries you), but I was wrong. In this story, those are the points when you choose not to walk with God. Along the path there were gifts; some opened, some not. The footprints always wound up back together, but on the points where they strayed; the gifts remained unopened. The moral was that in straying from God’s path, you miss out on those gifts he had planned for you. You miss out on the life that is meant for you. You don’t incur his wrath, and you are always welcome to step back beside him – you just miss out.
I am stubborn. I have to learn things the hard way. I am not proud of it, but I am surely as hard headed as they come. It is not often that I regret my sexual history, and I am even amiss to do so now. There were feelings for a lot of those men, and I still have strong friendships with many of them. I don’t have regrets, but… I do feel myself gaining a different outlook for the future.
I’m not claiming born again virgin status here. I’m not even saying I will never have pre-marital sex again, because honestly; I don’t know that I would want to marry someone before testing out the goods. I know that’s horrible, but I’m giving you full disclosure right now. I’m not going to make proclamations that I’m not sure I will keep.
I discovered a new bible verse this week that hit home for me.
Matthew 6:34 – Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Each day does have enough trouble of its own, and I am not naïve enough to make grandiose promises for tomorrow. I am not going to put myself in a box and force myself to stay there. I’m going to let tomorrow worry about itself.
What I am saying though, is that I think it’s going to be a while before someone else is in my bed. I wouldn’t even be surprised if we were talking a long while here. I’m coming to terms with that; I’m even starting to like the idea of it. Life got hard this last year and I no longer have room for the meaningless connections I once made. As much as I don’t hate the idea of using a man to comfort me right now; I’m fairly certain it would leave me feeling even more empty at this point. I’m finding myself longing for that partner in this life, and I don’t really feel like substituting until he gets here anymore. I guess I want more the next time around, and for the first time in my life I’m willing to wait for it.
For the first time in my life I’m willing to walk with God and accept the gifts He has to give me.
