He’s been trying to get a hold of me. I haven’t spoken to him at all since The Great Text Debacle of 2010, but… he has started trying to make contact.
He didn’t leave a message. I toyed with the idea of calling him back to see what he wanted (my curiosity was killing me), but I eventually decided against it. I decided that if he really wanted to talk to me he would call back. If he really wanted to hear from me he would leave a message. My dad made a good point too; what if he just wanted his toothbrush back? Technically he never left his toothbrush here, but what if it was something that simple? I can’t lie and say that seeing his number didn’t cause a surge of hope inside of me. If the reason he was calling was for something so mundane though, I would have been ticked at myself for reopening that door. I just decided to wait and see.
I didn’t hear from him again, and came to the conclusion that it was best that I hadn’t called him back.
Then last Thursday night I got a text message from him. Again, it was nothing. All it said was “Hey you! Howz life?” Again, I stared at it for a while trying to decide what to do. And again I decided to ignore it. I’m not going to lie – the ‘z’ instead of an ‘s’ made it easier for me to ignore! I honestly cannot stand text speak. More than that though, I realized he wasn’t giving anything away with this text. I still had no idea what it was he wanted, and given our last conversation maybe I was hoping for more of an apology. I wanted more. I need more before I’m willing to open that door again. I ignored it.
Tonight I got another text. "Ooch!! Not even friends." Again I stared. Again my heart started beating too fast. But again I realized there was nothing there. If anything it felt like him fishing; like him knowing me well enough to know that if he keeps acting like nothing should be wrong I will eventually feel guilty enough to respond.
You have to understand, I am not a girl who ignores. I think it’s rude, and doing it eats away at me. Even when I’m upset with someone, I let them know. I do not ignore. I can’t stand when I try to contact someone and they ignore me. I would rather have a door slammed in my face than never opened at all.
With this though, I just don’t know what to say. It feels like I have already said everything I would be saying again now. How many times can the same words fall on deaf ears? How many times can I beg for him to forgive me and be what I need him to be, only to be disappointed?
The last year all we did was have sex or fight. Those were our two levels. We would have a few good days or maybe even weeks, but looking back I’m realizing even the good times revolved around sex. It wasn’t like before I broke us. Back then we were a unit – we were two people who actually cared about each other and had a future. I know I am the one who broke that, but how long can I settle for less as a result? The past year of trying to get back to where we were, the good times really were much more about sex than connection. And when we weren’t there, we were fighting. It was the same fight over and over again too. I don’t want to have that fight anymore. I want to know that he knows how hurtful the entire thing was. I want to know that he feels bad about it. I want to know that he forgives me and wants me to forgive him. I want to know it will never happen again and that he does care about me. But, I don’t want to fight. And clearly – I don’t want to have sex. At least not with someone who has no idea what he wants from me. I’m past that. I very well may be past pre-marital sex in its entirety. That’s not really the point though. The point is that I am done with the cycle we were in. And so I have ignored his attempts at contact. Right now I just can’t see any good coming from reciprocating.
That doesn’t mean I don’t want to reciprocate though. That doesn’t mean that I don’t find myself hoping almost every day for his return to my life. It just means I can’t set myself up for the disappointment anymore. I fell in love with the guy I thought he was, and he then spent a year hell-bent on proving to me that he wasn’t that guy. I don’t want to let the guy he seems to want to be back in. It is going to take a lot more than random calls with no messages or texts that don’t appear to have any purpose for me to open that door again.
I may love him. I may have nights where all I can think about is how much I need him. I may catch myself praying that he will let go of the bitterness and anger and be the guy I need him to be. But, until I have reason to believe that has happened, I just can’t. I have to keep moving forward. I have to keep looking for a man who can be what I needed him to be. No matter how much I want to let him back in, I just can’t. I actually think we are past the point of even being able to be friends, because even in that I would need so much more than he has given me. Even in that he would still need to forgive me.
I’m not sure he’s capable of forgiveness, and as long as he is holding a grudge – he will punish me.
I don’t deserve to be punished anymore.
It is so hard for me to ignore, but I think it’s the best thing for both of us right now. I don’t think either of us wants to end up where we were again. I’ve worked so hard to cut negativity out of my life. I don’t want to be crying over him again two months from now. I saw a future and a life with this man, but… I deserve more than what he has given me.
There are nights I lie awake wishing he was there to hold me. Nights I wish it could be easier and we could just figure it all out. Nights I wish he was the one standing by my side through this. Nights I wish we could each be what the other person needs, because I know I need to be more too.
But I won’t go down the same road again. I won’t relive the last year with him.
And so I ignore. Until I know there is some reason I shouldn’t.
And I’m not counting on that reason.
I’m not counting on him.
