The truth is that the last two weeks I have definitely felt stalled on the spiritual front. It’s been frustrating because there was a moment there when I was feeling so spoken to and so driven, and then suddenly it was like the reception was cut off. I almost didn’t even do this last week of the study – I kind of thought it would be better to save it until I had that push again.
I did it anyway though, just so that I could say I had.
There were no great revelations. It was more or less a wrap up of the last 12 weeks and I didn’t get anything earth shattering out of it.
I never have liked review work!
I was feeling kind of let down by the whole thing. Like there was supposed to be this huge transformation at the end of this, and I had somehow exited too early and missed out.
But then I looked back on the very first post I wrote about this bible study, and I kind of caught my breath. Here is what I wrote about the strongholds I wanted to work on:
- Self-consciousness/self-loathing – I question myself, and my abilities; all of the time. I know what I am capable of; I know what I have accomplished. Still, time after time I find myself worrying about all the mistakes I could make, or of all the ways in which I am just not enough.
- Fear – of everything. Fear of failure. Fear of making the wrong decisions. Fear of letting people down. There are days when I am crippled by fear.
- Rage – over my past, and the childhood of which I often feel I was robbed. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned how to hide or tone-down this rage much better, but I still hold onto it; I still shelter it deep down in my heart. I harbor an anger for the people who let me down and didn’t protect me, and I stubbornly refuse to let it go for fear that if I let it go, that will mean it never happened. And it did happen. It happened, and it broke me down in so many ways, but it also shaped me and the woman I became. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering that.
- Walls – that I built up all around myself, and that define my inability to let anyone in, to let anyone love me, or to let anyone ever even consider taking care of me... ever. I have slowly broken down some of these walls, but there is still (and possibly always will be) a barrier between the outside world and my heart.
First of all, I am not questioning myself nearly as much. Every step closer I take to becoming a mother, I become more confident and more sure that this is the right path. I set goals for myself and I have made real progress towards those goals - I haven't given up. I am proud of myself and I have actually become my own best cheerleader. I am letting go of that self doubt, and I didn’t even realize it.
And as far as fear? I am here to tell you I am kicking fears tushy! I have been a huge worrier my entire life, and while I am not about to claim that I have given up my worries (I am not sure that will ever happen!) I have certainly handed so many of them over to Him. I used to be someone who would lie awake at night fretting about the drama of the hour. Now I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow (and I don't even think it's just because I'm so tired!) – there are no worries keeping me awake or destroying my days. I may be anxious over certain aspects of my life right now, but I am certainly not allowing that fear to take me over. I am facing it head on – knowing full well that He is by my side and guiding me. Even in light of recent events, I haven't allowed fear to consume me. I have faith that He knows what is best for me right now and that all of this will serve a purpose. I have let the fear go and the faith take over.
When I read about my own rage I was caught off guard. I remember feeling that way, but... I wouldn’t even begin to use the word rage anymore. That hurt is surely still there, but it is now a different word. A less abrasive word. A less damaging connotation. I realized the other day that I haven’t allowed myself to get bristled up over my past in quite some time. It wasn’t even a conscious effort to let it go so much as a supernatural eraser that has slowly been clearing out my heart. I wouldn’t even have really noticed had it not been for being able to see the anger in my own words from just 3 months ago. I am letting it go. It isn't hurting me anymore. For the first time in my life I feel like I am moving on from the past and embracing the future.
The walls are a bit trickier. I would like to say I have torn them all down, but they are still surrounding me and protecting. I want to tear them down, and I believe I will be able to when the time is right – I just may not be there yet. Or it may be more of a brick at a time kind of project rather than a full on demolition. The fact is though, they no longer seem as daunting to me; I no longer think they are insurmountable. When the time comes, those walls are going to come crashing down.
Regardless, I had been feeling as though I didn’t get out of this last 3 months what I had wanted to get until I re-read my original post. There have been changes and my heart has been healing – almost without my even noticing. I have been breaking free, and while I may not yet be entirely free – it is a very real work in progress.
I forget sometimes that this journey is not like any other I have ever taken. I tend to like to see instantaneous results to my endeavors; I like to know my hard work is paying off and I am nearing the end. I spoke to a good friend of mine today though, and he was explaining to me a new spiritual path he is on. I have always seen him as extremely religious, in fact; I’ve always seen him as the end of the line as far as the path to Christ is concerned. When he was telling me about the changes that God has been making in his heart lately though, it kind of hit me that this is a journey that won’t end until we are standing in His presence at the kingdom of Heaven. There will be peaks and valleys; moments in time when we feel surrounded by his warmth and those when we will feel as though He isn’t even within reach. He is always within reach, but sometimes there are lessons we will need to learn on our own. No one ever stops progressing or growing on this journey, and there is no end goal to be reached – at least not in this life.
I felt renewed faith in that; in the knowledge that my journey has not stalled, it is just taking a little breather before the next peak.
And if all goes well in the land of baby making – it is going to be one heck of peak.
