A Change of Perspective

I had a hard time as a child/teenager, and that hard time carried over into my early twenties. I struggled a lot with my anger over the things I felt I had been robbed of, and the damages that had been done to me. I was a pretty depressed person, and I took a lot of my frustration out on myself in varying ways. For so many reasons I felt unloved, unlovable, and unworthy. I was a mess of a human being.

I’ve had a lot of people ask me when it was that I decided that I wanted to live a different life; when I came to the conclusion that being as miserable as I was clearly wasn’t working.

The truth is that none of it happened over night, and much of it has come in jumps and lags over the years. I feel as though I am continuously working on being a better version of myself. I always joke that I am a work in progress, but it’s the truth. I think I will always have things about myself and my personality that I would like to change.

But as far as my resemblance to that girl I was then in comparison to the girl I am today? It is almost unrecognizable. That girl truly hated herself; I am not that girl.

So when did the shift begin? When did I start to make strides towards the woman I am today and the woman I hope to be tomorrow?

I think it all started with a trip to Australia.

I had always wanted to go to Australia. It was my dream trip.

When I was in 7th grade I was given the opportunity to go as part of a student travel group, but my dad put his foot down on his 13 year old daughter traveling out of the country without him. As an adult, I can now fully understand his apprehension. As a child though? I was convinced he was ruining my life. And even more convinced that one day I would go to Australia all by myself and show him.

Something you should know about me: When I make a decision, I stick to it. It doesn’t matter if it takes me 8 years to do it, I will do it.

Around my 21st birthday I started to realize that something was missing in my life, and that I was the only person who could be responsible for fixing it. I was tired of always being unhappy, and of continuously pushing away the people in my life. I was tired of always feeling like everyone else knew something I didn’t.

I’m not even sure I remember exactly what brought the idea to go to Australia back to me, but once the idea was in my head, I was determined. I started doing research on different trip prices, and I turned all of my information into a presentation to give to my grandmother regarding why she should lend me the money to take this once in a lifetime trip (side note: my grandmother – being the amazing woman she is – did help me to fund this trip. But, I paid her back every last cent plus interest. I never could have gone without her help, I just don’t want anyone to think I am from one of those families where all kids have to do is ask and money is thrown at them; I am most certainly not, nor would I ever want to be!)

Everyone in my life thought I was crazy. I hadn’t even asked anyone to go with me. I didn’t want anyone to go with me. I wanted to do this myself; I was determined to do it on my own.

When the day came for me to leave, I’m pretty sure my dad just about lost it driving me to the airport. He was not doing so well with the thought of his little girl being alone and so far away (don’t worry, it was good practice for him for when I drove to Alaska alone!) I couldn’t have been more ready though. I was beyond excited.

Twenty-plus hours of travel later I was a little more sedated. I landed in Australia around 2 in the afternoon, and after I checked into my hostel I forced myself to stay awake - I didn't want to miss out on anything by succumbing to jet lag.

I was in Brisbane, and I wandered the town until the sun set. I was in love. I was already in love.

I traveled a lot of places on that trip, and I saw a lot of different things. One of my first days there I went to The Australian Zoo and was excited like only a tourist could be to see The Crocodile Hunter in action.

At the time he was under some scrutiny regarding swimming with killer whales (or something along those lines), so it was actually a surprise that he was there that day. I was totally star struck!

I worked on a cattle farm, and after three days on a horse, I was almost used to it. I'm pretty sure my butt has never hurt so bad! I got a lot of grief there too, because I was a vegetarian at the time. I still loved it, and I loved the people who ran that ranch. I wanted to live there. I wanted that to be my life.

I hiked through so much forest, forever on the lookout for snakes. I never saw any.

I went on a long hike one day with a group of Europeans, just to discover they had led me down the path to a nude beach.

To my surprise, there wasn’t a guy there who seemed interested in the least in us women. They were all pretty much there for each other.

I learned that dining out in Australia is far different than doing so in America. It is considered an experience, and people take their time. You may be sitting at a table for 30 minutes before anyone even comes over to take your order. I also learned though that you never eat alone. Even on the nights I went out to eat and explore by myself, within 10 minutes someone was sitting at my table and chatting with me. Australians are some of the nicest people I’ve ever met.

I fell in love with Australia.

I did meet a boy. He was a scuba instructor, and because of that I was actually able to go diving at The Great Barrier reef even though I wasn’t certified.

He looked like Josh Hartnett and he rolled his own cigarettes. I don’t even remember his name now, but I was entirely smitten with him. I was whining about not seeing any sharks after our first few dives, but the next dive when he pointed one out swimming right past us I actually shrieked like a little girl under water.

He seduced me on top of the boat under the stars one night. No actual hanky-panky, just enough seduction so it can be up there on my list of crazy romantic moments with people I never had a future with… Sometimes those moments are the best to linger on.

I really fell for Fraser Island.

It had these fresh water lakes that were made up entirely of rain water.

There were no fish or anything else living in there – it was more like giant swimming pools at the top of this all sand island.

There was so much history there too. I never wanted to leave.

I hiked every day, and explored every inch I could.

I swam in pools at the tops of waterfalls.

I was always on the lookout for kangaroos.

I determined I wanted to be a travel writer and photographer.

I found myself.

I learned that I was capable.

I learned that I was worthy.

I fell in love.

Both with Australia, and with the life that was mine to live.

I came home from that trip a different girl.

A girl who believed.

A girl who wanted more.

A girl who was ready for change.

Sometimes we all need a change of perspective, and a moment in time when we can see the world and our lives in a different light.

(community discussion in need of your input right now: Life Changing Moments)

I certainly didn’t come back from that trip “better” or “whole”, but I came back ready to work towards becoming both of those things. Some of my struggles I got past right away, and some I’m still working on.

I actually discover new things about my life that I want to repair almost every day.

I am a work in progress.

But I am always open to a change of perspective.