Blocked

I have a serious question to pose: what happens when you are spiritually blocked? When you are strolling along at a decent pace on your path to God, and suddenly you hit a wall?

Because, I am pretty sure I am blocked.

Let me rephrase that: God and I - We’re good. We’ve still been chatting regularly and I still feel His presence (although, maybe a little less this last week). I’m not walking away from this path.

I just feel… stalled.

This week’s bible study focused on the 5 steps to truly breaking free. The 5 stages of that journey.

The first stage is basically where you are still bowing down to your strongholds and allowing yourself to be essentially jailed by them.

I’m not there anymore.

The second is standing with God and recognizing your strongholds for what they are, but still being trapped by them. Beth Moore’s explanation of this step was this:

The believer is still not fully liberated from captivity; but she is no longer bowing down to the enemy in her thought life.

I kind of think I’m there.

The next three steps all make sense to me, and on a logical level I totally get it, but… I don’t know how to get there. I feel stuck.

Number 3 involves tearing down the lies you have told yourself in regards to your strongholds, and maybe that is where I hit the wall. Once upon a time I told myself a lot of lies. I told myself I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t strong enough, I wasn’t deserving enough. I told myself I wasn’t worthy of love and that I wasn’t capable of loving.

I don’t really think I’m there anymore though. I don’t think I tell myself those lies anymore.

Those strongholds are absolutely still there and every once in a while they pop up and take over my thoughts (the anger, the hurt, the resentment), but… what if everything that is left about them is the truth?

What I mean is; what if I still allow myself to be held down by the things that happened to me, even though I am now able to see those events for what they really were rather than for what I once painted them to be?

Is it possible to just skip a step? Am I missing something?

It probably didn’t help that last week I was confused and struggling so much with the hormones. It also probably didn’t help that I told God (and all of you) how angry I was. I know it doesn’t work that way, and that He wouldn’t punish me for that, but I also think that my mind was so clouded by all the hurt I wasn't able to wrap my head around the spiritual lessons.

So much of this has to do with controlling your thoughts, and when I let the hormones control my thoughts I almost think it becomes that much more difficult.

Am I just making excuses?

I want to say that I learned a lot from this week that I have been able to apply, but that wouldn’t be true.

What is true is that I did learn a lot this week, and I’ve stored it away for a rainy day. Perhaps a rainy day when I am clear headed enough to apply it.

I hope that’s OK. I hope it’s OK to say sometimes “Maybe I’m not in the right place for this yet”.

Just as I was starting to feel hopeless about this week though, I came to the last lesson and something popped out at me:

Christ has made whole those who still well remember what it was like to be broken.

I need to remember that. I need to remember that letting go doesn’t mean forgetting. That it’s OK (and normal and expected) for me to still remember. It is that remembering that will help me to avoid the same traps I’ve fallen into so many times in the past.

This will happen when it is meant to happen, and I need to not be so hard on myself when it doesn’t happen on my time. I need to remember that my time is not His time.

And I need to remember that I am so much closer to "whole" than I once was.

There was one final lesson I learned in the video we watched last night, and I wanted to share it with you all because while I thought my experiences with this type of situation were isolated, Beth Moore bringing it up made me think that it is far more common than I realized.

She was talking about relationships and specifically relationships with women. She was discussing the fact that while we should always be looking to help and guide and grow those around us, there are certain people we need to be wary of; people we need to protect ourselves from and avoid at all costs. The characteristics she gave for those people are as follows:

1.) People who immediately latch onto your life and want to be best friends. They call every day, bend over backwards to help you, and instantly become a part of your life. These people are hard to resist, because they do seem so sweet and accommodating. Plus, it is hard to say “no” to someone who appears to be so helpful; to someone who seems to care so much about being there for you. When it happens instantaneously like that though, you should be cautious.

2.) Eventually, these people will work on isolating you. They will continue to bend over backwards for you, but they will be quick to point out when your other friends don’t do the same. They will be the ones telling you “no one cares about you like I do”, and it will start to seem true. After all, they are there and the others aren’t.

3.) Finally, they exhibit a jealousy when you are with other friends. This should be a huge warning sign, because your real friendships shouldn't involve jealousy over other friendships; your real friendships should survive just fine knowing you each have different yet equally strong bonds with other women. In this instance though, when they aren’t included it becomes something that hurts them and they let you know. Further, they try to incite that same jealousy in your other friends by pointing out to them the times they weren't included. They want to make sure everyone involved feels insecure in their friendships. They want to be updated on everything in your life, and feel they deserve to have an opinion on the decisions you make and the people you hang out with. They want full control. They will manipulate and bend the truth to get it.

None of this is as obvious to see as it sounds on paper. These people are skilled manipulators, and they know how to twist events, thoughts, and words around until their goals are fulfilled.

OK, am I the only person who has ever had a “friend” like that? A “friend” who seemed to be all about helping me, being there for me, and supporting me, but who in reality was isolating me from other people and trying to control and dictate all my other relationships; both through manipulation and deceit? Because as Beth Moore was talking, all I could think was “I totally know that girl!”

Thankfully, I had the strength to walk away from that “friendship” a while ago (and have been amazed at how much better I have felt about myself since doing so – I honestly had no idea how much that persons covert negativity was affecting me), but not before I allowed it to cause issues within many of my other friendships; not before I allowed myself to be extremely hurt by the lies and manipulation involved. Still, I always thought this was just a freak occurrence where I gave my trust to someone I probably shouldn’t have. I never realized that there might just be people like that in the world. That other women have possibly fallen for the same scenario.

And the fact that Beth Moore was talking about these types of women in the middle of the bible study seemingly out of nowhere was astounding to me. She was discussing the end of times, and how at the end of times people will be far more destructive to each other than natural disasters (and can’t we all see the truth in that? We are awful to each other - each and every one of us.) She was giving examples of the types of people to avoid, and it should have been a somber moment but... I wanted to stand up and cheer. I wanted to say “thank you” for giving me a definition to an event that has since baffled me.

Which is why I felt the need to share it here, because maybe I am not the only person who has succumbed to one of those friendships in the past. Maybe I’m not the only person who could use the definition and warning signs of the kind of women (and men for that matter) to avoid at all costs.

It also brought another point very clearly to me.

In my life, I have been far more scarred, betrayed, and hurt by women than men. By my mom, then my stepmom, then varying people who turned out not to be the friends I thought they were. Yet, my fear and trust issues regarding women are practically gone (mostly due to some of the amazing friendships I have been able to forge despite the destructive ones), while I still have walls built up regarding men.

That hardly seems fair, does it?

Women are the ones who have let me down in my life; meanwhile I’m typically the one letting men down.

If at the end of times people will be doing the most destruction to each other, I certainly can’t claim innocence when it comes to the destruction I have caused.

And so last night I prayed; both for the ability to recognize destructive forces in the future, and the strength to not become one of them. The wisdom to recognize the right man when he shows up, and to not hurt him as I have with so many men in the past.

I may have been blocked this week, but I can at least recognize the irony of the situation.

I can recognize the lessons God is trying to teach me.

And hopefully, I will be able to recognize Mr. Right when he is placed in front of me.

I think God is taking his time on that one though, just to make sure I don’t mess it up!