I had today’s bible study post written in my head. It was actually a good week study-wise. I learned a lot, I didn’t want to yell at Beth Moore; everything was on the up and up.
I knew where I was going to go with this post today, but now I just can’t force myself to do it. I’m not in the right head space, so for those of you who come here Wednesdays looking for what I learned on my path back to God this week; do you mind coming back tomorrow? I hate to admit it, but God and I are kind of on the outs today.
I will preface this by saying that there is nothing I hate more than being a Debbie Downer. I have been trying so hard to keep my head up this week and not complain. So hard to remember that the hormones make me a little illogical and that this girl who is struggling so much with her feelings right now is not me. So hard to remember how lucky I am and to put my happy face forward so that everyone who knows me doesn’t worry.
Today I failed. Today I broke down and cried. I cried a lot. Today I hit a wall.
Something really exciting happened last week. I was approached by two different people within two days about opportunities that could take me to the level of writing I want to be at; the level where it is actually my career. This was of course the goal all along, and it’s why I’ve been working so hard. Why for the last 2 months I have gone without sleep and socialization because I have taken on this endeavor and I have taken it so seriously. I’m not sure I could fully explain to you how much I’ve been writing, but between this space, my book, and my freelance work; I’m putting in a good 40-50 hours a week writing on top of my full time job. I wake up at 6AM, work all day, and then come home and write until midnight. I write for a good 8 hours at least on Saturdays and Sundays. I am loving it. I am loving writing. I am loving devoting so much of my life to something I am so passionate about. But, there is a cost. I am tired and I am clearly not getting enough sleep - you can see it in my face. I am driven to the point of forsaking all else. How my friends still love me I don’t know, because I have turned them down 9 times out of 10 when they’ve asked me to hang out the last few months. I have secluded myself and committed to writing. I almost never really expected anything to come from it, and I certainly never expected anything to come from it so soon; but I have committed. No one can deny my commitment.
So, when I got those offers I was through the moon. There was hope in those offers; the kind of hope that could lead me to actually being able to quit my job and focus on writing as a career here in the very near future. That was the goal all along wasn’t it? That I would commit myself and make a few sacrifices, and in the end it would all be worth it because I could write for a living and be a stay at home mom. I was on cloud nine, and so excited for this future that God was opening the doors to for me.
Until I realized this week that the health insurance issue is still there; whether it be me moving companies or just quitting. In fact, it is even more of an issue with me quitting and going into business for myself as a writer. No private insurance company is ever going to accept me. I have a very expensive pre-existing condition now. It’s not even a matter of high premiums; I will be flat out denied every time from here on out when it comes to trying to obtain private insurance. My insurance must have spent $65,000 + on me last year alone. Why would any insurance company take that person on? It would be bad business.
I keep hoping that healthcare reform will happen; that people will realize how broken our system is and that the broken system hurts even the people who are willing to pay. Anyone could end up in my shoes. Anyone could be faced with a condition insurance companies just don't want to take on. I am responsible and I would happily pay even a high premium for insurance - but no premium could be high enough to justify a health insurance company taking on me and my endo. I think so many people think that the health insurance problem comes down to people who aren’t willing to put their health first; but what about the people who want to but simply don’t qualify? What about people like me who need the insurance, but will be denied every time? I get why a health insurance company wouldn’t take me on, but what am I supposed to do? My health bills would bankrupt me.
And I’m pretty willing to guess that no matter how successful I become, I will never be able to take on those kinds of bills without insurance.
And so I feel trapped. I feel like no matter what I do, I am now stuck where I am at; for good. My dream of writing for a living is just that; a dream. I may have the ability and the drive, and there may be people who are willing to open those doors for me, but it doesn't matter. None of what I do matters. I have no control.
And I am angry.
I am angry because some days it feels like this disease has taken away all of my choices. It has changed my life so drastically in ways that I never even expected, and there is nothing I can do about it.
I know I should pray. I know I should put it in God’s hands. I know I should trust in his plans for me.
But today I am angry.
There was some drama at work today that had nothing to with me at all, but that I was somehow dragged into. I didn’t care. I didn’t care even a little bit. I felt so defeated that I just allowed myself to be blamed for something that had nothing to do with me. What was the point in defending myself? This is now my place; this will now always be my place. I feel like I will never be more than this, because no matter what I do I will never really be doing what I want.
And I am angry.
Then I found out this afternoon that I should possibly consider having my remaining tube removed because there are some links to damaged tubes preventing pregnancy during IVF. I don’t want to lose my tube. I know it is no good to me, and I know I will never get pregnant naturally, but… there is hope there. There is hope to that tube. There is hope that a miracle could occur and that one day I could wake up next to Mr. Right and just know I’m pregnant when we hadn’t even really been "trying". I know it’s a silly dream, but there was hope to that dream. Of course I will have that tube removed if that is what I have to do to ensure the best chance of my IVF cycle working, but… there was hope. Letting them remove that remaining tube removes that last bit of hope of ever achieving a natural pregnancy.
And I am angry.
I got in my car after work with the intentions of going to the grocery store to pick up my prescription, but I couldn’t. I started crying as soon as I got in the car. I haven’t stopped crying since. I feel like I really worked for something, and I had it waved in front of my face as an actual possibility and then abruptly taken away through no fault of my own. I can’t make this work, and it is entirely out of my control.
I know there are a lot of people in this world right now who would happily take my job. I know it is selfish to complain about it when so many people are out of work. I know I am lucky to have a stable job that provides me with the benefits I need. I know I am luckier than most. I even know that I shouldn’t be so convinced that this is the only future I have, but…
I am angry.
Today was a bad day. This week wasn’t so great either. Some days I just can’t keep that smile on my face. Some days, no matter how hard I try, I can’t stay strong.
Some days I’m just angry.
ADSPACE
