I had an incredible offer yesterday. A very good friend of mine called to tell me that her brother wanted to be my sperm donor – that he was 100% sure he wanted to do this for me.
And I was floored.
Floored that this man who really doesn’t know me at all (we met once a few weeks ago) would have such an amazing heart that he would want to help me in this incredible way. He wasn’t looking to get laid or to infringe upon my life in any way; he just wanted to help.
And let me be clear; this is a beautiful family. Those would be some wonderful genes to pass on, and there is something incredibly tempting about tying myself to this big, beautiful, loving family in this way. Some part of me that thinks it would give my baby an extended family that would love and adore it no matter what the circumstances. But…
I said “no”.
For so many reasons. I have said from the beginning that I don’t want to know my donor unless it is someone I see myself having a future with. I just don’t want to have to explain to my child one day that I know their father, but that he isn’t a part of their lives for whatever reason. Even if he did want to be a part of the child’s life (which I think may have been the case at least to some extent here), I want to be able to reserve that space for the man who comes into my life later. I want that man to be able to step into the father role without stepping on anyone’s toes.
I don't know if that makes me selfish or smart, but I know it is something I feel strongly about. I believe with all my heart that that man will be making an appearance - I don't want his transition into our lives to be any more difficult than it has to be.
I just think the whole thing becomes so much more complicated when I know my donor.
That said – I am still blown away at the offer. I never expected men to connect to my story at all. I knew women on some visceral level would all understand (even the ones who ignorantly tell me I’m so young [without knowing the full extent of my damage] or point out that they would just adopt if they were me [without recognizing that their story is not mine – or that that statement is very easy to make when you’ve never actually been faced with the choice] – even them I believe to understand), but I never expected most men to get it. I figured the vast majority of the male species would determine I was a nut case upon hearing what I am attempting. I certainly didn’t think any of them (at least not the ones who haven’t known me for years) would ever care enough about any of it to want to help.
Something about knowing that some men actually do get it is kind of comforting. It tells me that there are men like that out there – men who are going to be able to step into that role with ease when the time comes. Men who are going to understand. Men who are going to care.
And isn’t that nice to imagine? That a man might be out there just for me who is going to get all of this and isn’t going to be the least bit put off or freaked out when the day comes that we do meet and I have to explain my story.
In the meantime though, I still have to find the man to provide the sperm.
I had my blood drawn at my appointment on Thursday to find out my blood type, but I left in such a daze I never asked what it was. I called today and was told that I am A+; a good thing because it means I don’t need to worry about RH status when looking at donors.
I came home tonight determined to really delve into the sperm banks. I immediately got frustrated. I am not great with new interfaces, and when things aren't aesthetically appealing and easy for me to figure out I get overwhelmed. The first 3 banks I looked at had confusing search results and I was annoyed. I wanted this to be like internet dating – not like this big jumbled mesh of donors that I couldn’t keep straight. I think I finally settled on California Cryobank. Not because they give celebrity look-alikes to their donors (although, not going to lie – I don’t hate that feature!) but because I was able to figure out their search functions and donor profiles without a lot of fuss. Their setup just seemed more intuitive to me.
Still – I’m realizing this is going to be one of those tasks that is going to take me all day one day to dig through and figure out. There is just so much information and I’m not entirely sure where to start.
There was 1 donor who caught my eye though. 6’, medium skin tone, lean build, and green eyes (yes – green eyes was one of my prerequisites!) The staff described him as a glass half full personality who is hard working with a great sense of humor – all things I like. They also said he looked like Dave Annable and Mike Lombardi, which are both look a likes I can get on board with!
Even after finding one who looked like he met my basic requirements though - I was frustrated. There is a lot more I need to put into this and I was getting overwhelmed trying to figure it all out tonight.
And then I got an e-mail.
An e-mail from the family I donated my eggs to.
An e-mail that stopped me in my tracks and forced me to reign in the tears.
An e-mail that means the world to me.
I started to post the whole thing here, but honestly it just doesn’t feel like mine to post. I did want to share one excerpt though, just because it had my heart racing – just because it filled me up with so much more drive and ambition for this journey – so much more love for my babies to be. This is what the mother of the children I helped create once upon a time wrote:
I can tell by the babies we have that you are a spectacularly special lady. I dearly want to tell you how much you mean to us; how often I think of you and your wonderful spirit. Please know that we are thrilled to pieces with our little girl and little boy. They are the joy of our life and the most amazing little beings that we could ever imagine. Aside from their beautiful little souls, they are supremely gorgeous as well. People routinely remark about how beautiful and calm they are. Recently, after an outing to the grocery store, they had captivated a large number of people at the checkout, smiling and waving and attracting all kinds of attention. Afterward, one man remarked that he found them extraordinarily captivating and that he noticed they caught the eye of everyone around them. He finished by saying that they had a special gift, one that would serve them well in life.
If you wonder who these little babies are, I can tell you that our little boy is outgoing and social. When we take our morning walk, he loves to stop at the neighborhood school and watch the kids at play – and he can’t wait to join them! He enjoys climbing and loves to show you how fast he can run and how strong he is. Our little girl is feminine and pretty. She loves to be with me and is usually at my side. Ask her for a kiss and take your face in her hands and give you one!
I was getting frustrated. Even over the last few days I was wondering if this was really going to happen; if I should give up hope before allowing my heart to break.
And then I got that – when I needed it most.
A reminder of what I have to gain if I keep pushing forward – if I keep fighting.
And it will be a fight that is so worth it in the end.
ADSPACE
