I got some interesting news about the ex yesterday. Apparently, he’s all moved on. Turns out the last time he was in town to see the kiddos (he has to work out of state for the winter) he went out with the same woman two nights in a row. How did I find this out? His beautiful 13 year old told me. Try acting like your heart hasn’t just been ripped out a little bit in front of a child… I dare you!
But yes, I was totally poised and acted like I wasn’t fazed at all when she let this gem slip (as well as the fact that he called this mystery woman “babe” on the phone and told the kids he would introduce them to her when the time was right). I spent the entire evening pretending as though it wasn't the only thing on my mind.
I had dinner plans with her aunt, and was pleasantly surprised that she got to tag along (because really – I loved those kids with my heart and soul – I wanted nothing more than to be their stepmother.) As the night went on and the three of us caught up and laughed and ate and played Scrabble, it slowly started to dawn on me that maybe this is what it was all about to begin with. I had the nicest dinner with his mom earlier in the week, I love both of his sisters, and his daughter? Let’s just say she owns a very big piece of my heart. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to have him, but my consolation prize is that he doesn’t seem to care if I maintain these relationships with his family, and I love his family.
I really have wondered recently if he and I were ever really in love, because if we were; how could we have hurt each other so badly? If I had loved him, would I ever have run away when things got tough the way I did? If he had loved me, would it really have been so hard for him to forgive? And if we had loved each other, wouldn’t we be together right now?
And really, what is love?
That’s right ladies and gentleman; whatever love is "Baby don't hurt me, no more!" That stupid song has been in my head ALL day, and I've even had the little head bop to go along with it!
I realized (after a few angsty moments once the girls left and I was getting ready for bed) that if he is happy, than I am too. I was all mature and controlled as I came to terms with the fact that if he can find someone else, and let go of all that anger and bitterness that drove him away from me; if he can find someone who makes him forget everything else that he just couldn't forget when we were together, than that’s what I want for him. Even if the person who makes him happy isn’t me (and let's be clear, I do think we could have made each other happy in the end.) Even if we are never able to be friends or anything more to each other ever again; if he can be happy, than I can be happy for him.
Because I did love him. Because some days I still do.
We were not a waste of time. We happened, and we were real, and we ended. But, there was love there once. Even if he wants to forget that and pretend as though it never happened, I won't.
I got another writing job – this time writing dating advice articles. I’m so not kidding! I think it’s hysterical, because clearly I am the furthest thing from a subject matter expert when it comes to dating, but now I’m writing articles entitled “How to Get Your Ex Back” (the ex's 13 year old, upon hearing about this job, suggested I should write “Just don’t even try!” – how is it that this teenager is smarter than I am when it comes to dating?), and “How to Tell if He’s Losing Interest”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m having fun with it (easily the most enjoyable writing job I’ve had yet!) but I’m still mildly amused that anyone would pay me, of all people, to give dating advice to women!
I canceled my gym membership today, and wrote on the cancelation form that my reasoning was “I have gotten lazy!” The guy at the front desk (who was not at all amused with me when I explained I would be canceling my membership) laughed out loud when he saw that. Then he looked at the computer and said “wow! It has been a while since you’ve worked out!” (Side note: I’m a sloth. I admit it. I just can’t bring myself to go to the gym. I hate it there, and I talk myself out of it every time. But, it is getting warmer and I guarantee when this snow melts I will be outdoors and just as active this summer as I was last… I need the outdoors to convince me to workout, because sweaty guys, stationary machines, and bad TV just don’t do it for me!) I could feel him looking me up and down, and then he actually asked for my number! He was all of 20 years old, so I of course declined, but he was flirting with me… and I was maybe even flirting back!
Then, at the grocery store there was a good looking guy with dark hair and green eyes (my kryptonite) that I caught checking me out. I may or may not have picked up milk I didn’t really need just to walk past him a second time. Yep. I totally did that.
Maybe I’m more ready to get back into this dating thing than I thought. Maybe I’m even a little willing to put some extra effort into it. Not too much, just the "walking back to the milk aisle when I don’t really need to" amount!
After catching up with my dad (who scolded me for not writing a dad disclaimer to this post… Ooops! AKD was right, I should have warned him on that one!), and getting the chance to do the same with some of my favorite friends today, I’m feeling very blessed to have certain people in my life. I have such strong, supportive, amazing friends; and I have people in my life who I love more than they could ever possibly understand. I am not now, nor will I ever be, one of those single girls who bemoans Valentine’s Day, because you know what?
My life is full of love – I hope yours is too.
ADSPACE
