First of all, a little shout out to my grandmother who now knows about my dirty little secret. I have intentionally not told her about the blog, mostly because she has severe fibromyalgia and is always in pain. I know my grandma, and I know she loves me more than anything in this world. I did not like the idea of her struggling to sit over the computer for hours at a time trying to read through all of my meanderings. I didn’t like it, because I knew she would do so to the point of being completely uncomfortable. She is, if nothing else, my biggest fan and supporter.
But, my dad let the cat out of the bag, and grandma is now reading along. Thanks a lot jerk. (P.S. my dad wrote me the most amazing e-mail this week and it left me balling my eyeballs out. Therefore, I am allowed to call him a jerk!)
Here are the rules though lady: if I write about something naughty, I try to put a dad disclaimer at the top (sometimes I forget – sorry dude!) You steer clear of those posts too, got it?!?
Of course, if we’re being honest, I’m pretty sure there is nothing I could do or say to unnerve my grandma. I was telling her a story once that I probably shouldn’t have been telling my grandmother (it was of a sexual nature) and I caught myself and started to change the subject. She immediately stopped me and said “Excuse me! I gave birth to 4 boys you know. I DO know what an orgasm is.” It was pretty awesome because a) I wasn’t talking about orgasms (I’m not that creepy – it was still my grandma!) and b) my grandma totally brought them up all on her own!
I’m sure most of you won’t be surprised to hear that this woman was pretty much my mama growing up. I will proudly claim any openness I get from her!
OK, moving on:
When I was in college I read a case study that said that infertility was more prevalent in type A personalities. I don't recall the science behind this study, and I remember questioning the authenticity, but I also remember thinking "does a type A personality cause infertility, or does infertility lead to type A tendencies?"
I’m going to start a discussion over on my community right now asking this same question. I would love for you to weigh in on your own infertility struggles. Have you always been a little anal, or did it just start upon hearing the “infertile” diagnosis? Are you one of the insanely lucky ones who has remained laid back and calm in the face of infertility? (and if so, I would love to know – please share your secret, because I could use some of whatever it is you’ve got!)
Scientifically speaking, it kind of makes sense. From what I remember from some of my psych classes, when you are stressed out your body releases cortisol, and cortisol has a pretty big effect on your hormones (for the record, I could be off on all of this - it has been a while since I studied this stuff!) I know endometriosis (and countless other female conditions) are driven by hormone imbalances, so given that information it does pan out that stress could lead to problems. And, Type A’s are likely more prone to stress in general. This leads me to wonder: did my lifetime of worrying and trying to control every little detail around me possibly lead to some of my problems?
I will be the first to admit that I have always been type A. I like an organized life, and I am nothing if not a perfectionist. I thrive off of lists, and I tend to think there is a right way to do just about everything. If you’re not doing it my way, you’re not doing it the right way! I have always been a worrier, and I have always carefully weighed out all of my decisions before making them. Bills never go unpaid, and I never take on more than I can handle (mostly because I will bend over backwards to handle it, even if it is too much!) I am not a fly by the seat of your pants kind of girl. Rather, I’m an excel spreadsheet for just about everything kind of girl.
But, infertility and my struggle with endometriosis have increased those traits exponentially. The need to have my ducks in a row in the face of this disease is astronomical. I face a daily urgency to get my hands on every bit of information, and an even greater drive to do everything just right; to make all the best decisions at all the right times. My last appointment I actually asked my doctor when I should stop taking all of my current supplements and start taking prenatal vitamins. She laughed at me and told me I could wait until about August – guess I was jumping the gun a bit there! I tend to go to my doctor’s appointments with a list of questions in hand, and I suck in information regarding this disease like a sponge now. I haven’t even started looking at the sperm banks yet (taking my time ladies, just taking my time!), but you had better believe that my compare and contrast spreadsheet is already complete and ready to go. I like order in life – I like being prepared.
I am working on letting go, and on accepting that I do not have control over this life (if this disease has taught me nothing else, it has taught me that). My faith has actually been helping me a lot too, as I get better and better at putting my worries in His hands. I am reminding myself that stress is not going to help my situation now, and when I feel myself start to panic I step back and do whatever I can to get myself breathing normally again. I have found peace in a lot of this, in a way I never would have dreamed possible. Still, I am Type A. I have always been Type A, and I will always be Type A. My control tendencies will probably never go away completely.
In fact, I'm sure we can all just imagine how much worse motherhood is going to make it!
ADSPACE
