I wanted to write about my bible study this week (as has become my custom on Wednesdays) but… I started, and I couldn’t stop. I finally looked down at the page numbers I was at, and it was 7 – single spaced. I’m not kidding. I have been word vomiting onto my laptop for the last 2 hours. I realized that none of it was going anywhere, and it was all kind of more negative than I prefer to be – so I deleted it and started over, determined to try to keep this at one page (since you have all been through multiple long posts the last few days and deserve a break!)
Here’s the gist: Beth Moore spent this week talking about all of the dreams that little girls have growing up (to be the bride, to be beautiful, etc.) and there was one entire section entitled “To Be Fruitful” that I struggled with. I just… I have a hard time with a woman who has two children telling me how I should feel about my infertility. It wasn’t even that I disagreed with what she was saying (because really, I was on board with her for about 80% of it) it was just that I took issue with anyone who has never been there, weighing in on what the reaction should be. It struck a chord with me, and maybe I’m not so proud to admit how much it bothered me.
She discussed that there shouldn’t be shame in infertility, and while I agree on a completely logical level (and I am typically a logical person) – you can say it all day long, but there is shame in infertility. There shouldn’t be, but there is. My body doesn’t do what it is supposed to do. Because of endometriosis, it will never do what it’s supposed to do – not the “normal” way anyway. I will never get pregnant naturally. There will never be a time when I get to "try" with the man I love... And honestly, the "trying" part always sounded like fun to me. I will never wake up one day and just "feel" like something is different and know that I am pregnant. That will never happen, because when I do actually try, my days following IVF will be filled with peeing on dollar store pee sticks every chance I have until I get the answer I want!
There is pain in that. There is loss in that. I was robbed of how it is supposed to be.
With how quickly everything happened, I honestly didn't even have time to contemplate the possibilities before they were there; before I was staring down the barrel of that gun and had to choose what to do. There should be time to grieve for that. Women should be allowed that time.
Because, as much as the logical side of me knows that there should be no shame in infertility, there is. I was always a strong and capable woman. I was always able to accomplish everything I set my mind to. The fact that I may have absolutely zero control surrounding the one thing I want most in this world is almost humiliating. The fact that my body is broken and no longer functions the way a woman’s body should makes me want to cower away in a corner. I know I shouldn't feel that way, so then there is shame in the fact that I allowed this news to initially turn me into a girl I didn't recognize; that I allow it to still punch me in the gut out of the blue from time to time when I least expect it. There is shame there. I am ashamed of my reactions and of my hurt. I am ashamed of my emotions surrounding this. I am ashamed that I would allow anything in this life to affect me so; there is shame. I am all on board with saying there shouldn't be, but I would be lying if I said there wasn't. God said "Be Fruitful and Reproduce" but some days I feel like someone looked down and said "That goes for everyone but you blondie."
So Beth Moore can tell me how I should feel all day long, and maybe she’s not wrong, but… Until she’s been where I am; I don’t want to hear it from her.
I know that isn’t necessarily the “right” way to react, but that was how I felt this week going through a bible study that was trying to tell me how to feel.
I think I handle this all pretty well. I think I keep my chin up and try to remember that my infertility does not define me. I think I do a pretty good job not allowing myself to fall into the pits of despair. So, if I want to feel a little shame; a little grief? I’m not going to feel guilty for that. I'm not going to walk away thinking "Well, Beth Moore says I shouldn't feel that" and then feel even worse because I do.
Here’s the thing I realized though (after writing out 7 pages to explain more or less what I just said); God and I, we’re the only people who have to be right with this. No one else has to understand any of it. My decisions may not make sense to some people, and my reactions may seem extreme to those who haven’t been in my shoes. But, I do know there is a purpose, and I do know He has a plan. I know that's all Beth Moore was trying to say, so maybe I should just try to accept that for what it is. Even if I don’t end up with a baby in the end, I am confident there is a plan. Even if I can’t trust in Beth Moore’s version of how I should let this make me feel, I can trust in His.
I am surviving this, and I am doing so with a smile on my face most days. I am working on trusting in Him, and knowing that He has a purpose in all of this. I am working on trying not to bite the heads off of women who really can’t help it if they've never had trouble conceiving. I am working on accepting kind words for what they were meant to be, even if it feels like they come from ignorance.
I am working on letting go; even when some days it seems as though I may be going backwards.
ADSPACE
