I've Got The "Eat" Part Down!

I walked into church on Sunday, and they were singing what has come to be one of my favorite worship songs:



I tend to sneak in late on Sundays because I can’t sing (really – it’s bad how tone deaf I am) and I feel awkward mouthing the words and standing there by myself, but I have come to love this song and am always excited when I walk in and they are singing it.

I was having a good day Sunday. No reason to be over emotional, or to feel down. Still. I walked in and had tears streaming down my face within seconds.

Something about the words:

I’m not going back, I’m moving ahead
I’m here to declare to you my past is over in you
All things are made new surrendered my life to Christ
I’m moving, moving forward

Maybe you have to be there and hear the emotion. One of our pastors has the most incredible voice, and he interjects his own thoughts into the song. I’m not sure just reading the words would do it for me, but hearing him sing it breaks me down.

Either way though, those words mean the world to me. I am changing. I am working on being a better version of me. I will never go back to the broken girl I was once upon a time. If I made it through this last crisis without becoming her again, she's never coming back. And, I am accepting Christ into this much larger role in my life now. For whatever reason, all of those things combined together had me crying on Sunday. Not sad tears though. Happy tears. Tears of joy. Tears that signified an end to some of the mistakes I have made in my life and a choice to let those things go that have hurt me. Tears that signify my excitement over this next stage in my life and my overwhelming urge to move forward.

It wasn’t long before two women were over me praying, and for the first time I wasn’t completely uncomfortable with this notion. I held my breath, closed my eyes, and let them pray as the tears continued down my cheeks. I was laughing and crying at the same time. They were too. They didn’t even know why I was crying, they were just praying for forgiveness and strength for me. I’ve never liked people praying for me. There is just that uncomfortable feeling that someone somewhere deserves those prayers more than I do. But Sunday? Sunday I felt comforted. I felt like I belonged there. It was still odd to have two strangers I didn’t know touching me and praying for me as I cried, but I smiled and hugged them afterwards. I thanked them, and I meant it.

That song kills me!

Last night my bible study group took a break from our regular meetings and got together for a service project instead. We went to the local Boys and Girls club and volunteered cleaning services. I’m not going to lie; I wasn’t too excited about this. I am all for volunteering, but I get really icked out over other people’s messes. I can’t really explain it, but I have been known to gag if something is gross enough; and this place looked like it hadn’t been cleaned in years. Plus, I had to go to Bethel today, and I knew I would have to get up at 4AM. I guess I didn’t go into it with the best heart to begin with, which probably didn’t help with my discomfort the rest of the night.

While we were cleaning, all of the ladies started talking. I realized (yet again) how out of place I am with this group of women. The conversation topics ran the gamut; from favorite Christian music, to quoting bible verses, and talking all about God’s grace in certain areas lately. I felt awkward. It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate these conversations, it was just that I found myself thinking “Is this all these women talk about? Am I a bad person because I have other interests too?” It was just weird. Then one of the women mentioned masturbation as though it was this awful thing (our church is starting a series on sex this weekend, so that’s how we wound up on masturbation - you would have thought I would have been excited at the turn in conversation, but not when it involved bashing one of my favorite activities!), and I really felt out of place. I didn’t exactly volunteer what a big fan of self love I am, but I found myself thinking “isn’t that better than the alternative?” Because, I’ve got to say; if I didn’t take care of myself, I would be finding someone else to do the job for me sooner than later! That's how mistakes are made people!

Then, the conversation turned to Undercover Boss and I about peed myself with joy! Even though I hadn’t seen the show, I figured reality TV was at least something I could relate to and comment on! Except, they were talking about an episode where Hooters was apparently featured, and the conversation turned to how degrading and unbiblical Hooters is.

Here’s the thing: I have no issues with Hooters. I have had friends work there, and they’ve made good money. I personally could never do the booty shorts (and really, I dare somebody to find a pair of booty shorts that could contain my booty!) but it’s no worse than some of the low cut tops I wore when I worked in bars (some of the low cut tops I still wear from time to time, because – I like my boobs!) It was just a weird conversation, and they kept talking about “those poor girls” and I kept thinking “the girls I knew who worked at Hooters had no qualms with what they were doing, and they certainly weren’t poor!” I guess I just don’t get it. It’s not stripping - and honestly, even though I do see a higher level of depravity there, I still can’t bring myself to get too upset about women stripping either. Again, I would never do it, but who am I to judge? I will admit – I have been to strip clubs before, and was never too concerned with what was going on. There was actually one woman who did this Cirque De Soleil act, and I was fascinated. I totally forgot she was naked because what she was doing was so amazing! Do I think strippers have the best lives? No, of course not. But do I think we should feel sorry for them? Not necessarily. I’m sure some of them are quite content with their choices, so who am I to tell them it’s wrong?

Plus, have I mentioned my amusement with Thunder From Down Under? I can't really bash female strip clubs when those Aussie boys totally make me giggle like a school girl!

That just got off point, because I did not mean to go on a tangent about stripping! The point is, the Hooters girls aren’t naked and you can see far more skin at the beach any day of the week. Yes, they are flaunting their assets for money, and I’m sure on some level that’s probably not great – but again, I put the twins on display working at a bar for years. I was able to go to school full time, live on the beach, and only work 3 nights a week. I didn’t feel degraded at all. I was proud of my body and I always felt safe. Plus, even with the twins, if I hadn’t been good at my job and always had a smile on my face; I wouldn’t have made nearly as much. They were just a helpful asset!

So maybe that’s it. I just don’t see a huge difference between Hooters girls and my working at a sports bar. Heck, there are probably people who would scoff at my saying I flaunted my rack for better tips. I’m sure that’s not a “Christian” thing to admit, but it’s true. And I don’t regret it, or feel bad. And the girls I know who worked at Hooters are all normal, decent women too. I would never judge any of them. So, the whole conversation just made me uncomfortable. I just don’t feel that strongly about the sins of others. Again; I’ve got enough on my hands trying to keep my own sins in check.

At that point, I was just ready to go home. These women are all very nice, but there are only maybe 2 of them I could picture myself actually being able to be myself with. The others? I just feel like they would have me (and my twisted brain) condemned before 30 minutes of conversation were up.

Once we were done, one of the women asked if we could pray for a family that lost their home recently. The story is pretty traumatic. They have 7 kids, and one of them woke up in the middle of the night complaining about a hissing noise. They realized it was the gas, and they got all the kids into the car. As they were backing out, their house exploded.

I can recognize the miracle there. What are the odds that a child would wake up to such a faint noise? And, if it were my child, I probably would have just told them to go back to bed. I certainly wouldn’t have thought to get up and investigate at 3 in the morning (and even if I had, I never would have known what to look for). The fact that they all got out safely is incredible, and I am all for praying for them to continue to find blessings. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to lose a home like that.

So we formed a circle, and the leader started to pray for this family. But then, when she was done, everyone else started to add on prayers. I was horrified. I am not comfortable with praying out loud. I’ve always prayed (even when I wasn’t going to church it was a nightly ritual of mine), but the idea of people listening to me pray makes me tense up a little bit. I’m just afraid it would take the intimacy of prayer away for me. I don’t want anyone else to listen in on my conversations with God. I don’t want anyone else to judge how I do it, or whether I use the right words. I just don’t want to pray out loud. I totally respect people who are comfortable doing so, but I’m not one of them. It just feels un-genuine to me.

Everyone in the circle said something but me. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I could feel the group waiting for me to go (a long silence until the leader finally realized I wasn’t going to say anything and ended the torture), but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t think of the words to say, and even though I prayed for that family on my own, I couldn’t do it out loud. Does anyone else feel that way? Am I crazy for being so uncomfortable in it?

I’m pretty positive I am the problem child in our bible study. Beyond a shadow of a doubt.

I just finished reading Eat, Pray, Love on the plane back from Bethel today. I loved it. I love her style (in some ways I kind of think it is similar to my own… she writes like she's talking to you and uses italics too much!), and like I could relate to so many of the things she said. OK, so I obviously can’t relate to her not wanting to have kids, but so much of what she says elsewhere hits home for me.

Which is why when I was reading page 192 today I about keeled over. After struggling so much with feeling like I just didn’t fit in, it was kind of exactly what I needed to read. I will preface this by saying that she doesn’t define herself as “Christian”, and instead talks about seeking out spirituality in whatever way works for you. I know a lot of Christians aren’t comfortable with this idea, which is why I wanted to explain her philosophy so that you can go ahead and disregard this next bit if you want to.

She was talking about how, on her spiritual journey at an Ashram in India, she started to feel as though she needed to tone down her boisterous personality. In trying to do so however, she got a very clear sign that this was not what was expected of her. She then writes:

God dwells within you as yourself, exactly the way you are. God isn’t interested in watching you enact some performance of personality in order to comply with some crackpot notion you have about how a spiritual person looks or behaves. We all seem to get this idea that, in order to be sacred, we have to make some massive, dramatic change of character, that we have to renounce our individuality. This is a classic example of what they call in the East “wrong-thinking.”


To know God, you need only to renounce one thing – your sense of division from God. Otherwise, just stay as you were made, within your natural character.


This doesn’t mean I cannot be devout. It doesn’t mean I can’t be thoroughly tumbled and humbled with God’s love. This does not mean I cannot serve humanity. It doesn’t mean I can’t improve myself as a human being, honing my virtues and working daily to minimize my vices. For instance, I’m never going to be a wallflower, but that doesn’t mean I can’t take a serious look at my talking habits and alter some aspects for the better – working within my personality.

So even though it’s not from a “Christian” perspective (and I do consider myself Christian), I still love it. I’ve been trying to figure out if my thoughts and feelings (or lack thereof) on certain subjects are wrong; if they somehow make me less Christian. Reading this made me think “maybe not - maybe I'm reacting exactly as I was built to react.”. In a world full of horrendous sins (sins against children, sexual assaults, murder) I just can’t bring myself to get all worked up about Hooters or strip clubs or porn. Sure, I could get worked up about the stories of those women, and whatever it is some of them may think led them down that path, but those who claim to be happy doing what they’re doing? All power to them. They certainly aren’t hurting me.

And, I am probably always going to be this way on certain subjects. I can’t picture myself sitting back and lamenting with a group of women over the things that we find sacrilegious.

But… I can be moved to tears over a song, and over words that define my feelings towards Christ. I can allow two strangers to pray over me and allow myself to be grateful for their reaching out.

I can make a decision to try and be more understanding of those women and their concerns, even if I don’t fully agree.

I will probably always be a little crass and dark humored as well.

But… I can make an effort to watch myself in certain company. I can try and tone down that part of my personality when it is not appropriate.

Most importantly though, I can remain strong in my faith and my path; no matter how much I feel as though I don't fit in. I can keep reminding myself that just because I may not be just like these women, doesn’t mean I’m doing it wrong - it doesn't mean I should give up. I know I feel God in my heart and by my side on this path to motherhood. I know a lot of Christian women wouldn’t agree with the choices I’ve made there either, but I also know how guided I feel in that direction.

I may always be the problem child in a group of Biblical women, but that doesn’t mean my heart is any less in the right place than theirs.

As I finished Eat, Pray, Love today, I thought “I should probably read the 'Love' section again. And after last night and my inability to pray outloud; maybe I could use a refresher course in 'Pray' too”

At least I’ve got the "Eat" part down!