* A quick note before we begin today’s tale of bad behavior: I was given the opportunity to write a guest post for a fellow 20 something blogger about love horrors. Obviously, that is something I have plenty of, and I didn’t even have to think twice about what story to share. Most of those near and dear to me know this story from almost 5 years ago (and it’s one they consistently beg to have retold), but all of you lovelies just finding me in blogger land have never really seen this side to me (mostly because I drink a whole lot less now!) Before I give you the link though, I am going to give you the disclaimer that it is of a sexual nature, it is completely humiliating, and it is a bit graphic. The faint of heart (or simply those who have no interest in reading about my sexual misadventures – a.k.a. Dad – Don’t go anywhere near it buddy. I’m warning you; you do not want to see this. No man needs to know a story like this about his daughter. Don’t say you weren’t warned!) probably shouldn’t head that way (and my feelings will not be hurt at all! I don’t want anyone having to read about what a total failure at life I was at 22 unless they can do so with an open mind and with the thought process that at least it’s a good laugh now!) But, for those of you who, after reading this little disclaimer now only want to read it more, here is the link. It (combined with today’s anti-love story) may give you some insight as to why I am still single (and probably always will be)! I love how she gives a disclaimer that it’s a long post, but worth the read. That was actually some of my shorter fare! Do you guys need me to make disclaimers for all of my posts, or have you gotten used to the fact that I am practically incapable of doing “condensed”? Ha!
So, on to the mistake that was last night:
Last night, I did something bad. Very bad. In my defense, Akon made me do it.
I was working on the book (my chapter for the week that is nowhere near finished… I’ve been looking for distractions this weekend for some reason), and I had my iTunes playing on shuffle (standard protocol). I have a lot of music, so for me to hear the same song with any kind of regularity is odd. That’s why it caught my attention when Akon’s “Right Now (na na na)” came on for the 3rd time in one day.
A brief history on the meaning behind the song: Back at the end of October 2008 things with the ex were moving along very fast and we got into our first real fight. It was all a bit much for me to handle (having never been in a real relationship) and it was when everything with my health was just starting to make itself known; I bailed. You have to understand, up to that point he had been incredible to me. No one, in my entire life, had ever been so good and open and caring towards me. It was crazy for me to walk out, but I couldn’t handle everything at once. I was overwhelmed and I panicked. A few months passed and I realized what an idiot I was. That’s when we started on the very long and arduous path to seeing if there was something there to save. That’s also when Akon and his little ditty were being played on every radio station at least once an hour (small town = not a huge variation in radio play). For me, it became my song for us. It became his ring tone on my phone, and every time I heard it playing on the radio I turned the music up full blast and sang my little heart out. It was my redemption song; Akon offered me hope.
We had a long year from there, with a lot of ups and downs. I never doubted that we would get back together; maybe he did. Either way, we were getting closer than we had been in a while and even spent time together in Seattle when he was living there for work. I had hope. I thought I could rely on him.
When everything hit hard after my second surgery, he was my first call. I was drugged out and broken down and all I could do was cry. That was the last time I ever really heard from him. When he has seen me in public since, he has acted as though nothing happened, but he disappeared. No more phone calls, no more returning mine. Gone.
I was angry, obviously. There was that little flipping him off incident, and I haven’t heard from him or seen him since (a little over 5 weeks). Anyway, I’ve been working on this whole forgiveness thing, and I’ve been thinking a lot about the kind of guy (I thought) he was. I’ve been realizing that he just couldn’t handle the intensity of my situation, but that that didn’t make him a bad guy (there are days when I can't handle the intensity of my situation.) I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want our relationship to be, and if I really want to have this anger towards him (I don’t), and so for a few weeks now I’ve been toying with the idea of extending an olive branch and at least saying “Hey, I’m sorry we couldn’t make it work out, but how about we at least try to be friends?” Every time I’ve thought about it, I’ve backed down. Mostly because I didn’t feel like that was a directive that should have to come from me; but then, there was Akon for the third time in one day. I’m a big believer in signs, and I thought to myself “Why can’t forgiveness begin today? Why can’t I be the adult who chooses to sweep the yuckiness under the rug and move forward?” I thought I was prepared to do something so out of my character; forgive someone who had hurt me.
But, I had to do it my way. No sappy bullshit. I would be witty and sarcastic, and he (knowing me, and my sarcasm) would get the point and all would be well. After all, this is a boy I used to be able to banter with for hours. He used to love my wit.
So I thought about it for a second, and then I texted:
Me: Do you remember how bad I am at ping pong?
10 minutes passed; I was nervous. Had I miscalculated? Would he just ignore the text?
The Ex: Ya I remember… You suck!!!
Relief. That was where I was hoping he would go with this (I really do suck at ping pong. Both his kids used to kill me at it. Ping pong is brutal.)
Me: I know, huh! The thing is, I was just thinking about it and I remembered how bad you were in bed and it made me feel better about how bad I was at ping pong. At least we both sucked at something, you know?
OK, before you jump down my throat: The man does not suck in bed. In fact, he so the opposite of sucks in bed that it becomes OK to joke about him sucking in bed. He and I both know that he does not suck in bed. It actually makes me sad to remember just how much he does not suck in bed.
The Ex: Ya i know!!!!!!
OK, good, he’s playing along.
Me: I mean, I suppose at least I can get better at ping pong, so if we were comparing failures in life (which of course we’re not) then it would appear that I’m in a better boat than you are; but of course, we’re not (not competing for who sucks the most at life that is – because if we were, I think it’s pretty clear that you would win).
The Ex: Ya whats up?? Having a week moment? And want to bring me with you?
Weak moment. He meant to say weak moment. I shouldn’t correct his spelling now though. That would be wrong.
Me: No, I’m actually doing really well. No weak moments here! Just figured it was time to let you off the hook for being a total waste of space as a friend (and probably even human being). Don’t do it again.
Perfect, I thought. I’m pretty much a rock star (in my own mind at least.)
The Ex: Do what again? Leave you hanging.
Crap. I knew where he was going with this. This was about to come back to me leaving him over a year ago. Let’s forget about the fact that there was a lot of work done in between now and then; that I’ve apologized more times than I can count and literally done everything in my power to get him to forgive me. Let’s even forget the fact that the difference was that when he bailed on me I had just had my world cave in on me and had reached out to him to stabilize me, meanwhile when I bailed on him, he didn’t even kind of protest or act like he cared at all until months later. There was no way I was going to let him thwart the blame here (for something that happened just a few months ago) and turn it around on me and something I did 15 months ago (yes, I am now officially counting it as though it is a child that hasn’t yet reached 2. Every month counts here. It’s kind of like saying I’m 15 months sober. I haven’t done a single thing to hurt any boy (but especially this boy) in 15 months; in fact, I’ve gone out of my way to be there for him in every way imaginable, and I’ve put myself out there over and over and over again to make sure he knows how much I care. I am on the wagon damnit!)
Me: Yeah, you know, the whole disappearing act when my entire world is falling apart and I could at least use a friend. Not a cool move dude, just for future reference.
He doesn’t respond. An hour goes by, and he doesn’t respond. He was supposed to apologize. He was supposed to thank me for my understanding. We were supposed to have walked away from this at least being able to be pleasant to each other in public. How had this happened? I had been so close there at one point, hadn’t I?
These questions led me to do the unthinkable. I texted him again an hour later after no response (who have I become?)
Me: Especially since, when I bailed on you I at least had the balls to TELL you that’s what I was doing. But, you know, we already established that I suck at ping pong and you suck in bed and if one had to choose between the two, they would probably prefer to suck at ping pong, so therefore we have established that I am the cooler one between us, and as such I just figured I should let you off the hook for said uncool move and let you know that I still could use a friend; albeit a friend who recognizably has the emotional capacity of a 5 year old!
Yes, I really do send text messages like that. Yes, I recognize it’s completely abnormal. I can’t help it. I write exactly what I’m thinking, even if it is in a text message. And text speak and misspellings drive me nuts. I’ve been known to dump guys for less. Which proves even more that I must have cared about this guy if I kept him around; we are on entirely different texting levels. Actually, I’m pretty sure no one is on my texting level. I’m pretty sure I take it too far. I don’t care.
Ten seconds later I had another thought.
Me: Also, I’m writing a book and it’s about every man I’ve ever slept with. You probably don’t want to be on my bad side when I get to the chapter about you.
Zing. I was again patting myself on the back. That will make him laugh for sure, and then we will be fine. I should join the United Nations and work on spreading peace across the world. I clearly have a gift for it.
The Ex: Hey I dont have time to read book wright now ill do it tomarrow.. I got someone that wants my cock!!! Later.
This is where I realized that he was drunk (DUH! It’s Saturday night. Just because I no longer have a life, doesn’t mean everyone else has suspended theirs too. What was I thinking?) This was also where my feelings got hurt and it was no longer fun to banter back and forth. Two seconds later:
The Ex: Ya ok im making my own book now and don’t have anything about a scared 25 year old in it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, he really put that many exclamation points. And yes, that’s when I realized that that’s what this had all been about. He was still punishing me. Still, 15 months down the road. All of this had boiled down to the fact that he wasn’t about to be there for someone who had hurt him; someone who he had loved and saw a future with, and who had bailed on him. He was never going to forgive me, and when things got tough for me, he was never going to consider sticking around. As far as he was concerned, that was his perfect opportunity to hurt me back as badly as he thought I deserved.
Me: You’re a dick and I hope you get Chlamydia.
There. Done. That just happened.
He had a few beauties roll in after that (one of them even asked me if I missed him), but I ignored them all. I was angry at myself for trying to forgive; angry at him for proving to me that I never should have. I should have left well enough alone. I should have recognized that any guy who would abandon me like that didn’t deserve a spot in my life.
* Note: no text messages were altered for spelling and grammatical errors. I really am that anal, and he really is… not.*
We are dysfunctional at best, and I am a moron at the very least. Why did I even try? What was the purpose? Now I was just all angry again and left wondering… what happened to that thoughtful man I fell in love with? How did he become a person I didn’t recognize?
I woke up this morning still upset and jilted. I couldn’t figure out how everything had gone so downhill. Hadn’t Akon given me a sign? I started to get ready for church, but then decided I just wanted to stay in bed. Yes, I stood God up because I was upset over another man. I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to earn some brownie points to make up after that one.
He called a little after noon. Akon started blaring out of my phone, mocking me. I starred at it for a moment, debating whether or not to just ignore it. But then I figured “Hey, he’s calling. Give him a chance. Maybe we can still clean some of this up.” Wrong.
The conversation basically started with him stating how he wasn’t wrong at all because he had just done exactly what I had done to him. He was still justifying; still comparing the two; still punishing me. I got upset, and I told him everything I was thinking. I asked him how, after everything we had been through since then, he could still keep going back to that. I asked him how he could care about me so little that he wouldn’t even call to check on me when he knew I was hurting. His excuse there was that he had asked other people to do that for him, and he had. His mom and his sisters rallied around me, and I was forever grateful for their support, but… I wanted him. I had called him. I tried to explain that to him; tried to explain how badly I had needed him to just pick up the phone and at least tell me that he couldn’t be the man in my life, but that he cared about me and hoped it all worked out. I explained how badly I had cried over his absence, how shocked I had been that he could just walk away like that without even telling me that was what he was doing. I fought back the tears, and I tried my best to explain it all. He just kept saying “I don’t know what to say.” Until finally he said “My daughter’s calling me, I’ll call you right back.” I haven’t heard from him since. I won’t hear from him again. I realized that in the last year anytime the conversation has ever gotten heavy this has been his excuse to get off the phone, and then he doesn’t call back. The man cannot handle heavy conversations. I almost wish though that he would just say “I don’t feel bad. I don’t feel guilty, and I don’t care about you. You got what you deserve and I’m glad you are hurting. Now, I’m going to get off the phone because I’m sick of hearing you whining.” At least that would be honest. At least that would be real. What kind of a 35 year old man makes an excuse and says he'll call you right back, when in reality he has no intention of doing so? It’s just… lame.
I didn’t finish my chapter this week. I was too bitter and hurt and upset (both with him and myself) to work on being all witty and funny and introspective with Operation: Fall In Love. I’ll be a chapter behind. Whatever. Instead, I sat around the house, caught up on my DVR, clipped coupons, and cleaned up my bill pile. I only cried a little bit, and only at the grocery store. It was just for the brief moment in aisle 3 when I realized that nothing I ever said or did was ever going to fix this (and that it was pathetic how I kept duping myself into believing this guy was someone he wasn’t) that I started to break down a little bit. But then some man came over and tried to comfort me, and I was angry again. Who did this guy think he was? I mean, yes, he had a nice smile and charming green eyes, but I am SO OVER charming green eyes. He was probably totally faking the nice guy act (aren’t they all?) and what exactly made him think that what I really needed right there, in that moment, was some MAN coming over to comfort me. A man had caused this. A man was to blame for me crying while starring at the miracle whip. The last thing I wanted was this man touching my back and asking if I was OK. I glared at him until he went away.
I got in the car to go home, and just as I was pulling into my garage, this song came on:
I sat in the car and listened until it was over. It was like it was speaking to me. It was like it was the two of us speaking to each other. It could have been our story. I thought to myself “Now there’s your sign.” (yes, it’s possible my head was doing its best Bill Engvall impression).
I walked upstairs, sat on my bed, and deleted him out of my phone. This game was officially over, and I was officially done. There was nothing left there to save.
Then, I got on my laptop and I deleted Akon. Akon had given me false hope. He had tricked me into believing that all could one day be good again. Akon was full of it. I don’t want to make up Right Now (na na na).
As a matter of fact Akon, you and I? We’re through right now (na na na).
ADSPACE
