There's something you should know about me: I am a control freak. I am one of those people who truly struggles with working in a team environment because I like to do everything myself. It's not that I don't think others will do something "right" it's more that I question whether or not they will do it how I would do it. And even then, it's not that I think my way is the best way (or that I in any way delude myself into thinking that I am better than anyone else), it's just that I know what I want and if my name is on something I want it to be my way. I have always been this way; in the professional environment it typically works well for me because people are generally happy to hand over the reins if it means less work for them, but in school (where teamwork is forced and everyone must prove they contributed) I'm sure you can imagine it was a struggle. I was forever frustrated when I would do my work, just to discover that someone else hadn't done theirs (but had come supplied with 1000 excuses.) I would be angry, feeling like if I hadn't dropped the ball when I was juggling 100 different things myself (20+ credits and working at a bar most nights), why should their excuses mean anything to me? I was a pretty serious student, and was always baffled by those who weren't. I can still remember the anxiety boiling up inside of me every time a teacher announced a group project. I am ashamed to admit that I once even tattled on another student. I had done all the work after he had failed to complete any of his tasks, and then when we stood in front of the room to give our presentation, he had taken over. I was dumbfounded, and having never been great at speaking to an audience of my peers, I was also shocked into silence. So, after the presentation I pulled the horrendous act of marching up to the professor, proclaiming all the work as my own, and providing her the documentation to back up my claims. I wound up with an A, and he received a C, and you know what? I felt justified.
I’m pretty sure that alone makes me a not so great person, and it is something I have tried to tone down in my adult life (after all, no one likes a tattle-tail.) Still, I am definitely one of those people who likes to believe that I have complete control of my life. I like to pretend that if I work hard enough, try diligently enough, and believe for long enough, that I can accomplish anything. Of course this has bitten me in the ass on more than one occasion when my well laid plans have fallen through and I have had to force myself to realign my vision of the future, but I still do it. I still plan for months (if not years) in advance and convince myself that I can bring my plans to fruition if only I make the right moves.
There was a lesson this week in my bible study that had to do with Surrendering. I realized that I am almost incapable of surrendering any facet of my life to anyone, even God. I thought about it for a moment, and the things I was willing to surrender and those I was not. I could surrender my job situation, my relationships with friends, even my love life (because let's face it, I'm pretty sick of worrying about that myself and wouldn't mind so much if the big guy took over on that one from here on out.) What couldn't I surrender? A couple of things, but mainly two very distinct areas: My family and my fertility.
We have already discussed my inability to forgive. I struggle with it daily. I love the idea of being able to hand that over to God and saying “do with these feelings what you will”. I really do love the concept of letting it go, but... I just can’t. I thought about this a lot today, and even tried to convince myself to just hand my anger and indignation over. You know what happened? I could practically feel hands squeezing tightly around me to hold on. I literally can’t release it. I won’t let myself. I am afraid that if I release my anger, than the people who deserve it will be off the hook. I’m afraid that everyone else will forget what happened, and that those things that damaged me so deeply will be wiped away. I neglect to focus on the fact that they would also then be wiped away for me; all I can think about is how they will be wiped away for the people who hurt me. All I can focus on is how they don’t deserve that; how they will never deserve that.
Surrender
It’s even deeper in terms of my fertility. I never thought I would be here. I never thought I would be one of those women planning for single motherhood because it was her only choice. I always thought I would easily be a mother when the time was right. Having that taken away from me has changed me; it has made me fierce in terms of my determination to carry a child. I almost can’t hand those plans over to God because, what if God's plan doesn't match mine? What if he messes it up? I realize, I am completely sacrilegious in having that thought, but I had it, so there! I know God has a plan. I know that no matter what, in the end, everything will have served a purpose. Still, I simply cannot imagine the purpose behind my not being able to conceive. I received a comment yesterday from a woman who was telling me she could relate to me, and went on to explain the 2 years it took to conceive her daughter, and the miscarriage and still birth that resulted after years of trying for baby number 2. She had nothing but good things and positive thoughts to send me in her comment, but I couldn't help it; reading what she wrote had me balling at my desk. I literally lost it. All I could think was "what if that happens to me? What if this IVF round doesn't work? What if it does, and then I lose the baby? What then?" I read these stories a lot. I don't know if it is something to do with Endo that makes carrying a baby to term riskier, or if it is just our own fears that lead to less than healthy pregnancies (due to stress). I'm not sure what it is, but I keep hearing about all these women who try really hard to get pregnant, only to lose the baby in the end. It terrifies me. The thought of not being able to conceive (or worse being able to do so only to lose it) is enough to leave me rocking back and forth in a corner with my arms wrapped tightly around my chest trying to hold the pieces together (Bella Swan style for all you Twilight fans out there!) And this is why I can’t surrender that to God, because I’m afraid he won’t get it right. I know that’s wrong, and I know that whether I surrender or not, God is going to get his way, it’s just that thinking about this turning out any way other than how I have it planned makes me fall to pieces a bit, and I can’t afford to fall to pieces.
Surrender
In my bible study we were given prayer partners; a woman in the group who we are supposed to call at least once during the week to encourage and support. I still haven’t told any of these women what I’m going through. I can’t really explain it, but forming those words just seems so difficult. I’m not ready for them to know these details of my life yet. I can see them looking at me funny when everyone has prayer requests but me, but I just can't open up... not yet. Anyway, at the beginning of the group last night my prayer partner said she had an announcement, and then gleefully revealed that she was pregnant. Her first. I was the only one in the group who didn’t immediately jump forward with the congratulations. I didn’t mean to be rude, but I was left there thinking “Seriously God? You paired me up with a pregnant girl for the next 3 months? I had a hard enough time being around my best friend when she was pregnant, and she was my best friend! Now I’ve got to listen to this stranger gush every week about the joys of pregnancy? Am I being punked?” It was then that I realized (in the midst of my deep scolding directed towards God) that I was silent, and this poor girl was expecting my congratulations. I instinctively cooed all my support; told her how exciting it all was and feigned true joy for her. I knew I was being selfish. I knew her being pregnant didn’t make me any more or less pregnant. I knew I should let go of my jealousy and just be happy for her, but…
Surrender
I got sucked into a debate today regarding the bibles views on homosexuality. I shouldn't have allowed myself to get involved. I should have kept my mouth shut, but I couldn't help it. After seeing the bible twisted and turned every which way to make homosexuality an evil and impure act, I actually started to feel guilty for poking fun at my lesbian mother yesterday, because I realized that things like that don't help the problem; they only exasperate it. The thing about me though is; I poke fun at my life. Period. I make fun of myself more than anyone else ever could; I try really hard to find the humor in my circumstances. Sometimes my mother being a lesbian becomes the butt of those jokes. Sometimes it's funny (especially when some moron makes a homophobic joke in front of me and I turn to them [all hurt and offended] and say "My mother's a lesbian." Shuts them up every time, and then I walk away laughing and thinking "If only the dirtbag had any idea that I haven't spoken to my mother in 13 years! Sucker!") But, I want to make it perfectly clear once and for all that I think intolerance is simply ignorance, and no one has the right to ever condemn another for their sexuality. I was involved in this debate today, and I felt myself getting more and more heated. Bible verses were thrown out, and righteousness was handed down like the gauntlet. I found myself wanting to scream. The bible is vast and all encompassing. You can read it cover to cover 100 times and still miss something. There are several areas where the interpretations contradict themselves or where God makes exceptions. If you go to the bible looking for excuses for hatred, you are surely going to find them, but I cannot believe that was its intended purpose. God does not make mistakes, and homosexuality is not a choice. I really wish I could force everyone to see the documentary "For The Bible Tells Me So". It includes theologians from a wide variety of sects who all talk about how the original interpretations of the bible don’t refer to homosexuality as evil, or even as a sin. They simply call it something along the lines of “abnormal”, and the reason it was abnormal was because at the time the population had been decimated due to disease, war, and famine. It was necessary to procreate, and so homosexuals weren’t as common. That doesn’t mean that they didn’t exist (homosexuality dates back as far as any writings we have), or that they were looked down upon; they just weren’t the norm. One of the women involved in the discussion said that if you believed in evolution it was contradictory to then say that homosexuals were born the way they are because they can't naturally reproduce so they serve evolution no purpose. You can imagine how well I took that one. My mother naturally reproduced just fine, I'm the one with plumbing problems. I am straight and have a serious penchant for green eyed boys, yet I can't reproduce naturally and she could. Explain that. Homosexuals can reproduce (yes, even naturally… they do have all the necessary parts), and there are a ton of straight women who can’t. Not to mention, medical advancements have made it possible for almost anyone to reproduce (even a straight single woman with completely jacked up insides like myself, thank you very much!) and I personally think that there is something amazing in that. God performs miracles every day, even in ways you wouldn’t necessarily think of. I think medical advancements of any kind are huge miracles, and besides any of that, this was simply the worst argument I have ever heard. It kind of made me want to punch someone.
Surrender
I cannot control anyone but me. I can’t force people to be less hateful, and I can’t require tolerance. I can’t ensure I’m going to be a mother, and I can’t make my past simply disappear from my mind. I'm trying to surrender. I'm trying to give him control of these things I don't want to relinquish and trust in his plan. But... every time I do this tightness envelops my chest and I feel like I can't breathe. I find myself thinking "Now wait a minute... I'm willing to do this, but only if you promise me it's all going to turn out exactly how I want it to. If you can't keep up your end of the bargain buddy, no deal!" I'm fairly sure I'm missing the point.
God and I have been having a lot of serious talks lately about my expectations for this life. I can't be positive, but I'm pretty sure I've been hearing a lot of laughter from his end.
ADSPACE
