I spent this New Years Eve thinking, budgeting, planning, and strategizing for 2010. Making a decision, and deciding how to make that decision work. I didn’t have to. I had invites. There were places I could have gone and things I could have done, but I didn’t want to. 2009 has been such a crap year (both personally, and for so many of those around me… what was it with this year? There just seemed to be so much heartache and struggle everywhere I looked), that I really wanted to memorialize that by figuring out how to make 2010 “better”. So, that’s what I did. I poured myself a glass of wine, and I planned. I didn’t want to be at a party with a drink in my hand pretending like this last year didn’t happen, I wanted to be facing it head on and figuring out how to make another one just like it not happen again.
So, did I finally make that decision I have been agonizing over? The short answer is, yes! I think I made it about a week ago, but I wanted to make sure I was "sure" before annoucing it. The decision I made is that I am going to be a mom. I am going to get fat and pregnant and I am going to do whatever it takes to make that happen. Come next November when my time on Lurpron ends, I am going to fly to Seattle, check myself into Seattle Reproductive Medicine, and pay a lot of money to have them implant a little bug inside of me! I am going to be a mom.
Now, the long answer (and the details) are a little more complicated. Feel free to check out from here, I’m just going to go ahead and write it all out so that I have something to hold myself accountable to (and those of you who care can keep me in check!) What we have here ladies and gentleman, is a three-pronged plan. There are 3 areas of my life that I am going to need to work on changing (and improving), before I will consider myself “ready” to bring that little life into this world. In no particular order, those three areas are: money, health and diet, and lifestyle. Here is the plan for each:
- Money
I’m going to need more of it. Clearly. I do alright financially, but I’ve never been a great saver and I tend to spend what I have. I need to stop that. Living roommate-free is going to cost me another $700/month. Daycare is anywhere from $600-$800/month. Right there is almost an additional $1400/month, without even considering all the other (numerous) costs involved in raising a child. Since I spend pretty much every cent I make, I need to figure out how to come up with that extra money. I am going to need to really trim my budget, and figure out how to adhere to it. I started myself on a personal budget last year. I have gone over-budget, every single month since I started. I don't know how (or why), but I have. Now I am going to try to get myself to adhere to an even stricter budget (because if I blow that, maybe I'll still hit the old budget... Just kidding!) I spent a lot of last night working and reworking the numbers, and here’s the plan: - Saving Money
- No more spending money on things I simply do not need. I have always had a penchant for retail therapy, but I have got to lock it up. I am not buying “new” of anything until the “old” is completely dead. I have everything I need (a roof over my head, plenty of clothes, a car, etc.), and I refuse to keep adding to my possessions when there is something more important I need to be saving for. The only exception I am going to make this year is my flooring. It has to be the same carpet that was here when the condo was built in 1983, and it is trashed (which is partially my fault; I may have thrown a few paintbrushes on the ground in my never-ending quest to get my walls to a state of perfection), and I simply refuse to have a child crawling around on it. So, this summer (when I get my first PFD! Thank you Alaska!) I will throw a few thousand dollars at putting laminate in the living room (I can’t wait until I no longer have to worry about how my snow covered shoes will affect the already crappy carpet!) and new carpet in the bedrooms. But, that will be my one extravagance for the year, and I will bargain hunt the hell out of it over the next few months!
- I am going to give up my dinners out. This is the one that is going to hurt the most, but it has to happen. In looking over my budget from the last year I discovered (something I already kind of knew) that the one expense I always go over on is dinners out. I love eating out. I love the ritual of it with friends, I love the chance to try new things, and I love the opportunity to be taken care of. Plus, I tend to get way over-generous after a few glasses of wine, and frequently pick up the tab (and tip over 30% - you can always tell an ex-server by the percentage she tips!) It has to end. I know it is one of my favorite social activities, but it is definitely a “want” and not a “need”… So friends, if you want to have dinner with me this year, be prepared to come over and let me cook you up some noodles! I am also going to have to give up my spa days and massages… but I’m going to try not to think about that because the idea of no more afternoons spent at The Ice Spa makes me sad inside. Clearly though, I have allowed myself to become a pampered single woman, and mommies don’t get to be pampered single ladies… It’s time I give up some of my luxuries in exchange for my dream of family.
- I am going to start frequenting these ladies regularly: http://www.alaskacoupondiva.com/ Julia (the one editorialist in the ADN I read frequently) recommends them: http://community.adn.com/adn/node/145902 So I’m going to try. I may even take one of their classes, because saving money is definitely a lesson I could afford to learn! I have never been a coupon cutter (I have always bought what I want, when I want it), but I am going to try. I tend to eat fairly healthy (lots of produce and always the health aisle for cereals and grains), and I will not give up healthy and nutritious food for cheap and crappy food, but I will work on finding that happy medium. I will make lists, and I will scour coupons for items that could save me money on those lists. For the first time in my life, I will comparison shop (I have always just bought the same brand of whatever it is I like, over and over again, regardless of the price). If there is something comparable for cheaper, that is what I will get. It may end up being more hassle than it is worth, but I'm going to aim for saving at least $10 a week on groceries. That would be an extra $520 a year, and that's something, right? I am going to become a coupon-clipping son of a bitch (sorry… I just watched Wedding Singers for the millionth time; unfortunately I don’t think “coupon-clipping” works as well as “motor-boating!”)
- I also happened upon this today: http://regainingmysanity.blogspot.com/ Random timing, right? I’m going to try, free is the new name of the game! Maybe I need more lessons than I’m even aware of! : )
- Making Money
I need to bring more money in; I know that much is true. How is still going to be a question, but I have a few ideas: - The boss has been promising me a raise (a real raise; a difference making raise) since July. The boss makes a lot of promises he never intends on keeping, but this next month I am going to try to attempt to call him on it (which is going to be difficult, as I have never been great at confrontation or at standing up for the things I deserve in the workplace… I am much more of a worker bee, who does her job [and does it well] but very rarely makes demands). Still, he is the one who threw out the sum (and the new title) that could greatly make a difference in my life, so I am going to do my best to hold him to it by telling him that if my career has hit a dead end, it may be time for me to start seeking out other opportunities (hopefully he doesn’t call me on my bluff, because the truth is: I have a good job with great benefits. I’m not going anywhere.) I will do it with grace and poise and not in a demanding or manipulative manner at all, and hopefully he will recognize that he cannot live without me and will give me what has been promised. Hopefully. We’ll see, my boss is kind of morally corrupt (in so many ways).
- I want to be a writer. I have always wanted to be a writer. There is no time like the present to see if I can bring in some extra funds via writing:
- I have a hundred unfinished novels on my laptop. I surmised recently that the reason I’ve never finished any of them is out of a fear of throwing that much of my heart and soul into something, and then having it fail. Well, it’s time I take that fear by the balls and finish one. It’s a long shot, but if I could write and publish a novel, maybe I could find a way to be that stay at home mom I’ve always dreamed of being after all, even if I was doing it on my own. How amazing would that be? I could live anywhere I wanted, be a full time mommy, and write to pay the bills… It sounds like heaven if you ask me! So, I am going to really put the pressure on, and start working on one of my novels weekly. I’m going to aim for a chapter a week (with the realization that one every other week may be more realistic). The one I have in mind I have laid out to have 16 chapters now, and I’ve already finished the first 2. If I could really force myself to work, maybe I could have it finished by the end of summer. From there, I have no idea how you go about finding a publisher, but I will figure that out when the time comes. The first step is going to be writing a book I can be proud of (one that is the best of anything I can do) and not letting the fear of not succeeding keep me down. I have to succeed, and therefore I will find a way.
- I’m going to start trying to get some extra writing work through here in the meantime: http://www.elance.com/p/landing/provider.html?source=index Even if I could just pull in a few hundred extra bucks a month that way, it would make a huge difference. I tried to get into this once before, but I found myself overwhelmed by the interface, and since I didn’t really need the money I had no real drive to continue. Now, I have that drive, so hopefully I can get past the more overwhelming aspects of bidding for writing jobs
- I know there are ways to make money off your blog. Ways to promote your blog, and then cash in on advertising. I’m not entirely sure how all of this works (nor am I convinced that it could result in any real influx of money), but I’m going to try to figure it out. Besides, I have decided that I love my blog/blogging. I’ve joined a few different blogging communities where I can comment on different topics. I’ve discovered there that I truly love seeing “author of” next to my name… it makes my insides feel all warm!
- Health and Diet
- I’ve let myself get a little “squishy” over the last year. Stress, pain, recovery – it’s all led to my not eating great, and exercising even less. I want to make sure my body is in the best possible condition before I take on getting pregnant though. I would hate to think that having a few extra pounds (or not being healthy in general) could interfere in any way with the ability of a pregnancy to “take”. Plus, this disease has made me question my body, and I don’t want to be doing that. I want to feel healthy, and strong, and to be reminded that I do have some control over my body and well being. So, starting next week I am back to the gym and done with fast food. I’m going to start preparing my body for the greatest task it will ever perform: childbirth.
- Along those same lines, I am reintroducing meat. I’ve been a vegetarian for over 13 years, but I always said that I would start eating meat again whenever I got pregnant. I was never a vegetarian out of any moral obligation; it was just that years of watching my hunting/fishing father slaughter animals made the idea of actually eating any of them disgusting to me! But, there are birth defects involved in not eating meat when you’re pregnant (there are just certain proteins that are hard to supplement), and I do think kids need meat to aid their growing bodies (although, I am not a believer that meat is “necessary” every meal, or even every day… more like 3-4 times a week!), so I always knew my diet would change when the time came. Now I’m thinking it’s probably better to reintroduce it before becoming pregnant. The two times in the last 13 years I have accidentally ingested something with meat in it, I’ve gotten incredibly sick for almost a week. Your body stops producing the enzymes to digest certain things, and my body has no idea how to digest meat. I hate to think of getting that sick while pregnant, so I’ve decided it’s just better to do it sooner than later. I’m going to work with my Dr. on the best way to take on this endeavor, but I’ll be updating you all soon on how it goes. I’m actually terrified. I hate the idea of it, and I can guarantee you I will probably never be a red meat eater, but I’m thinking I could maybe start with some lean turkey meats, and then see where we go from there. I’m going to need some new recipes please!
- Lifestyle
- I need to lose the roommate. Sooner than later. I’ve thought about this a lot, and her monthly contributions are definitely helpful (so, booting her may seem to be in direct opposition with the “making and saving money” part of this plan), but I don’t want to be relying on them. I want to prove to myself I can survive without her rent and utility help before I start thinking about taking on all of those other expenses. I’m going to talk to her over the weekend about needing to find a new place. I know she’s going to be bummed, she likes living here (especially since it is just blocks away from her work, which is helpful since she has no car), and no one likes to move, but it needs to happen. I’m not going to give her 30 days or anything like that since it’s not like I need that room for any specific purpose right now, but I am going to get her thinking about it and looking. Hopefully within the next few months I will have that space to start planning for as a baby’s room!
- Dating is going to take on epic new complications. I can see it now: First date, glass of vino, yummy food, and then BOOM! “I’m getting pregnant in November, man or no man. What do you think about that?” Obviously, I’m not going to be going out into the world to spend money a whole lot anymore either. Add to that the fact that it looks like I’ll be spending a lot more time holed up in my room with my laptop trying to “make it”. Those two things will probably make it a lot harder for me to even think about finding that “baby-daddy”, but you know what? Right now, I don’t really feel much like dating anyway. I’m very much so in “me” mode, and in figuring out how to make this life work. I just don’t feel like wasting my time with someone who isn’t special, so I’m not going to be going out of my way to date anyone. If someone really spectacular appears then I’ll feel differently, I’m sure, but I’m not going to make any plans for that until it happens. I am still open to dating, open to the idea that my baby daddy could miraculously appear by November and save me from using a sperm donor, but I’m ready to use that sperm donor if it doesn’t happen. We will see. You never know what could happen over the next year. Life can change in an instant, and my Mr. Wonderful could be out there waiting for me to find him as we speak.
- I am going to really focus on reducing stress, because stress is not good for pregnancy (both in the getting there, and then in the getting through). I recognize that I am a stress case most days, worrying about things I cannot control and striving for perfection in my day to day existence. Maybe I should try yoga? Unfortunately, I feel like that is one endeavor that would require poise and balance (and any other number of qualities I simply do not possess!), and in the end would just stress me out more when I simply could not keep up.! But I am going to work on cutting out negative people and the influence they have over my life; I am going to work on finding my Zen. OK, I'm always working on (and typically failing at) finding my Zen, but I will try harder to not let negative, crappy people effect my day. I am sensitive. I worry and care, and invariably end up worrying and caring about people who would never worry and care about me in return, and then I get my feelings hurt when people I think are my friends turn out to not be the people I thought they were. No more. This life is about me (and my soon to be little monkey) now. Anyone not on board with helping me find my bliss (and my Zen!) can exit at any time.
