I volunteer for Big Brothers Big Sisters. It’s something I always wanted to do, and when I finally found myself settled in Alaska I decided it was time (prior to that, I never really knew where my life was going to take me and I didn’t want to commit to working with a child if I was just going to move in a year). I’ve been surprised at how much more difficult it has been than I would have ever thought. I have always been great with kids, and I can't think of a time in my life when I wasn't able to instantaneously connect with any child placed in front of me; until now. I’m over a year into my time with Chatty Cathy (because this little girl can talk to a wall), and I still struggle sometimes to connect with her, on even the most basic levels. Her life is so much different than anything I ever experienced (a lot of kids [all with different dads, most of whom are in jail] living in one very small trailer with two dogs [something I will never understand. If you can’t feed and clothe your children, how is it that you can afford to feed dogs?], and a mom who keeps popping out babies and just recently got off ankle bracelet monitoring… I am not even going to lie by saying the situation doesn’t bother me daily, especially given my new-found infertility). She’s never learned the things I consider “basic” (washing your hands when you’re cooking, brushing your teeth, showering every day [seriously, the poor kid smells. It doesn’t help that mom and auntie smoke in the house, but she get’s made fun of at school and she literally has no idea how to rectify the situation. We had a conversation one day about deodorant, and about how, as you get older, it becomes more important to shower regularly. I even bought her a pack of "essentials", but it continues to be an issue]). Still, she is a good kid. She is optimistic and positive and friendly (despite the fact that she is constantly picked on at school and get’s very little personal attention at home), and she somehow has a strong sense of morals. She get’s herself on a bus every Sunday (at 11 years old) and goes to church, even though no one from her family joins. She understands the difference between right and wrong, and steers as far clear from “wrong” as she can. The biggest issue I ever have with her is fibbing, and I try not to get too frustrated with her over that because she does it more out of an urge to gain attention than anything else. Can anyone really blame her for that? So, even though I don’t always feel like we are connecting in the way I always thought I would connect with my Little, I still try. Every week Chatty and I spend a few hours together on some new adventure.
I bought myself Scrabble a few weeks ago and have been dying for an excuse to play it. Scrabble is one of my favorite games, and when I lived with Syrah and IV there was a period there when we were playing multiple times a week (a constant challenge in play)… the two of them still play almost nightly! I knew that Chatty wouldn’t be able to match my scrabble abilities (after all, there aren’t many who can!), but I figured it could be a fun way for us to spend some time together, and we could work on our math and spelling abilities too (I know, I’m a super-fun Big, right?!?! Seriously though, it’s been extra cold out the last few days and I’m trying to save money. I was going for cheap and indoors here!) So, Chatty and I curled up at my kitchen table and set out to finish a game of Scrabble.
After placing several 2-3 letter words, Chatty started to get defeated. She kept looking at her letters and saying “I don’t think I have anything. I have to skip this turn.” At which point I would ask if I could help her, and we would look at her letters together until we found something good (my hope was that this would teach her that she shouldn’t give up so quickly the next time, but I’m not sure the message was received). Eventually the game became more of a back and forth between myself, where I would put down my word (a word I struggled to keep short and sweet, which was hard for me. I like Scrabble. I really like Scrabble. I get a kick out of putting down words that force my opponent to say “I want to look that up” and then smiling smugly when they realize it is in fact a word. I think that may make me a bad person.), and then trying to find a better word in her letters. At one point Chatty was looking at her letters when it was my turn, and said out loud “Man. I just need a Z and an O and an O.” This literally had me cracking up. She had decided (for reasons I do not know) that she wanted to be able to spell Zoo, even though she had none of the letters with which to do so. And you know what? About 6 plays later she actually put Zoo down. She decided what word she wanted to play, and then she didn’t give up until she was able to play that word. Of course, she also bypassed a lot of other words she could have played in the process, but that didn’t make a difference to her. She wanted to put down Zoo, and she wasn’t going to quit until she made that happen. Shortly after that she came up with another word she wanted to formulate, and literally listed out loud no less than 5 letters she “wished” she had. I still have no idea what word she was trying to write then, but I don’t think she ever got it.
I thought about this a lot after I drove her home. Her strategy to the game was to figure out what she wanted to put down, and then work towards that even if it meant missing other opportunities along the way. In so many ways, I’ve done that exact same thing in life. Deciding I want something, formulating a picture in my head of how that something should appear in my life, and then stubbornly plowing forward head-first until I get my perfect picture. How many opportunities have I missed by refusing to work with what God has already given me, and choosing instead to forge a new path? I’m not saying it can’t ever work (after all, Chatty did get Zoo), I’m just saying it’s not necessarily the best option. If I could teach myself (and Chatty) one thing this year, it would be to learn how to focus on making the life we have work for us, instead of constantly insisting on starting from scratch. That doesn’t mean giving up on those bigger dreams, it just means that instead of formulating the most direct (but oftentimes more difficult) path, looking at what you have and figuring out how to use that to get to where you want to be. I tend to make things harder than they need to be in life, so I would love to learn how to simplify things by working with the letters I've already been given.
It’s funny how sometimes a Saturday afternoon spent playing Scrabble can result in one of life’s bigger lessons.
ADSPACE
