It continued throughout the day; this fury at everything in my way. I knew I was still hurt and sad; but I don’t handle hurt and sad so well. It makes me feel weak, and I am not great at feeling weak. So instead; hurt became anger, and anger became rage. I was mad. Mad at him for caring so little. Mad at myself for caring so much. Mad at this life for striking me infertile and alone. Just mad.
As I drove home from work a woman cut me off, and for a split second I had the urge to rear-end her. I immediately caught myself and thought “Where did that come from? I don't do things like that! Heck, I don't think things like that! That would just be stupid!” But, I did want to hit something. I was that frustrated. I just felt so... raw.
As I was pulling into the garage Syrah called and asked if I wouldn’t mind helping her wrangle the kiddos at the grocery store (IV was at school). I knew I could use the distraction, so I readily agreed. As soon as I pulled up to her house little man was there to give me a big smooch and tell me he had been waiting all day to play with me. That right there was all I needed to start thawing out the icyness that had formed around my heart throughout the day. This little boy will always love me, I thought. This little boy will never throw my heart away. We trudged off to the grocery store, and already I felt better just being around my best and her two perfect children.
Not 5 minutes in to our outing, V needed to go to the bathroom. This is why Syrah needed the extra hands; because managing him and her 7 week old while trying to also get the grocery shopping done is a bit much to ask of any woman! I gladly took him, and left her and E.K. to shop.
We found the family restroom, and little man crawled right up on the toilet like a big boy. He sat there for a minute quiet, and then he looked up at me and said “Auntie… when are you going to have a baby?” The funny thing about this question is that it’s the second time he’s asked it in the last two weeks. Syrah and I have no idea where it’s coming from, because it’s not like we really talk about my situation in front of him; and even if we did, he’s 3. How much of it could he possibly even comprehend? He must just have babies on the mind because of his new little sister. That, or he knows more than we give him credit for.
I started to tear up a little bit, and said to him “I don’t know monkey. When do you think I’ll have a baby?” He didn’t say anything. He got up, flushed the toilet, pulled up his skivvies and pants and walked over to the sink… still silent; still contemplating (he really is such a little man, thinking out his words so carefully.) That’s when he turned around, looked up at me and said “Tomorrow”, as matter of factly as he could be.
And that’s when it hit me: I am going to be a mom. That is all that matters. Nothing else can hurt me. No man, no disappointments… nothing. I am going to be a mom. My favorite little boy told me so. And yes, maybe his timeline is a little off, but... he's 3. Give the kid a break!
I swooped him up and held him tight and said “Thank you little man. I needed to hear that today. I love you.” To which he replied, “I love you too. But…” He paused for half a second and placed both hands on my cheeks.
“You’re still going to come over and play cars after you have a baby, right?”
How did he know exactly how to make me smile, on a day when and no one else could have?
