Those ginormous pads? Those are from my surgeries, when I was leaking all sorts of nastiness and wasn’t allowed to insert anything into me. I slapped those bad boys onto the mesh panties I got from the hospital (I hate to admit it, but I loved those ugly things!) and that’s how I rolled for days (just those and a tank top) after both surgeries… It was classy-class!
Then I realized that I have a plethora of period paraphernalia (how’s that for alliteration!) that I will probably never again use because no doctor in their right mind is ever going to recommend I go off period suppressing meds; except in the case of my IVF cycles, and in those cases: I really pray I don’t end up with a period at the end of it. I’m actually thinking of holding a giveaway for you (my loyal readers) just to rid myself of the burden of having to see these reminders of my absent menses ever again. What do you say? You want all of my almost completely full, opened, yet unused boxes of pads and tampons? You know you do. (And yes, I am joking. Even I'm not that twisted!)
But, it was as I was looking at all of this nonsense that I haven’t even thought about needing in a long time that I realized; I miss my period. OK, so those last few (as the endometriosis got worse and worse) were unbearable, and I even found myself looking at Syrah at the height of one particularly bad episode (in between bouts of tears and throwing up in pain) and shaking as I said "I don't want this. I can't handle this. If I can't handle this, I can't handle labor. I need a hysterectomy." Something which would never come out of my mouth when I'm clear-headed (in fact, I don’t know that I’ll ever be OK with the big "H" word… I know that it [with impending dread] is likely in my future, but I avoid thinking about it at all costs. I’m afraid if the Doctors ever convince me it is time to let go of those parts I want to remain so desperately, that I will just feel so… empty). I remember those last few awful periods, I do, but...
The thing is, I had 25 years of normal periods (or, I guess; only 12 years… but you get the point). 12 years of what was only a minor inconvenience every month that just reminded me that I had done a good job not getting my stupid ass knocked up. The bad stuff was only a handful of times before my Dr. decided I needed to med up and put it all to a stop. I remember the good period memories so much more than the bad.
It’s just, there is something unnatural about not having a period anymore… at all... ever. It has been 7 months since my last period, and I feel like my body isn't doing what it is supposed to be doing (an obvious feeling, because my body isn't doing what it's supposed to be doing). I just feel less capable; less like a woman. I haven’t shaved in at least 2 weeks (don’t judge, it’s not like I’m getting any), but I found myself shaving today just because I needed to feel “normal”. I did my hair. I slapped on makeup. I even put on a nice top, all for what is just an average lazy Saturday. I did all this, because I was suddenly reminded that I am no longer a “normal”, ovulating, period having woman; and that made me sad.
I miss my period.
