As usual, I got myself all worked up over nothing! Today’s consult was actually super easy and not at all what I expected. I don’t know why I somehow thought this woman’s job was to talk me out of this, or to judge me and determine me unfit, but I was all kinds of anxious that one of those two things were going to go down. In reality, it was what I logically knew it would be: An informative session where she just tried to gauge where my heart is at and make sure I know what I'm really getting into; not in a bad way, just in a “here’s what you should know and think about” way. I don’t know when I convinced myself that it would be anything other than that, but we’ve obviously already proven that I tend to have minor and unnecessary panic attacks from time to time!
It was actually more like a therapy session than anything, and I always did like therapy! OK, that’s a lie. When I was a kid and I was forced into it (you know, because mommy kicked daddy out and moved a lady in, and kids at school told me I was going to get AIDS and that my mom was going to have a sex change, and I didn’t really want any of those things to happen, so I started freaking out a bit more than is considered normal for a kid under 10) I used to HATE it. I took pride in figuring out whatever it was those people wanted to hear and telling it to them so that they would leave me alone… Even as a kid, I thought I was so much smarter than those doctors (if we’re being honest, I still think I was smarter than some of them… It was part of the reason I wanted to get my degree in psych; because I always thought I could be “better” than those doctors I had… I always figured I could get through to kids so much more effectively than any of them had ever gotten through to me!) But, as an adult, I really love therapy. I had an amazing doctor in college who really helped me work through a lot of my issues and start to see the things that had happened to me in a totally different light. It was incredible to have someone neutral tell me (so openly and honestly) that I was looking at things the wrong way, and then explain to me why… That year I was seeing her was a big year of changes for me, and one of the most productive times of healing in my life.
So yes, I do love therapy. When I was first dealing with my endo diagnosis (after my initial surgery) I actually went to someone a handful of times just for a refresher course on breathing… I was so worried all the time after I received that diagnosis (I somehow just knew that wasn't the end of it); I just needed to be reminded how to cope, and it helped. This last time it feels like church has stepped into the place of therapy, but in some ways that’s appropriate too, right?
Anyway, back to how this was like therapy: She wanted to talk about everything. My history with this disease, my feelings about my egg donations, my feelings about my family, and what it was that led me to want to pursue single motherhood. She wasn’t judgmental at all, but she did ask me questions that made me think (which I do need right now). One question she asked me in particular that threw me was what I plan on telling my child when he or she asks why they don’t have a dad. I caught my breath, and then I answered as honestly as I could. I told her that one of the main reasons I had struggled with this decision as much as I had was that I had longed for a “complete” family for more than half of my childhood. When my mother disappeared from my life, I felt that hole for a long time. It took years to fill it and stop missing the presence of a mother figure, and even still I found myself wishing for that “whole” family. I had struggled a lot with whether or not I could bring a child into a similar situation, only this time missing their father. I told her that I didn’t have any idea what my answer would be, and that my only hope was that if I kept moving forward and did everything in my power to love my child with everything I had to give, it would come to me eventually.
I expected her to scold me; I expected her to tell me I needed to figure it out now. She didn’t do that though. Instead, she told me that having that answer right now would be almost impossible, and she was glad I had answered honestly. Then she told me that I needed to remember that I had actually lost my mother (and in a way that felt like a rejection from someone who was never supposed to reject me), and had as a result needed to grieve and feel that loss in order to recover from it. She explained that my child would never have that loss (or feelings of rejection), so it wouldn’t be nearly as traumatic for them as it was for me. I hadn’t even thought of that, but she’s right, isn’t she? She said that yes, my child will be curious and have questions, and that if I don’t seek out male role models (friends and family for now) for him or her, then they will feel that absence of a male presence; but that they will never feel the same loss I had. She said I would need to be thinking of an answer (because the question will someday come) but that I shouldn’t spend all of my time worrying about hurting my child before he/she is even born.
I needed to hear that.
The other sparkling revelation came when she asked me what my biggest fear involving the IVF process was. I explained to her that I was terrified of conceiving and then miscarrying; that I actually have nightmares about it. I told her that I have read about so many women who have gone through this experience, and it has become (by far) my biggest fear. She told me that there are no statistics stating that women with endometriosis miscarry more frequently than anyone else, but that the average rate of miscarriage is 20%, no matter who the woman is. She said that unfortunately when a woman tries so hard to get pregnant and then loses it, that loss is felt that much more deeply, but that it isn’t any more frequent for them than anyone else. She told me that I shouldn’t worry about miscarrying any more than I would have 2 years ago (and 2 years ago it wouldn’t even have been a consideration in my mind), and that I should move forward trying to think of this just as I would have with any pregnancy before (before endo). It didn’t exactly make me feel better to hear, but it was nice to know that the stats aren’t weighted against endo sufferers. I think it is still going to be a fear of mine, but I’m going to work on trying to ignore it more.
When our hour was up she said the most incredible thing: She said that she thought I was an amazing woman who was doing a fantastic thing and that I would be a wonderful mother. I almost cried. This lady is trained to detect crazy (and sometimes I’m pretty sure I spray crazy like a skunk!), and she thinks I’m going to make a wonderful mother! I’m still a little bitter that it cost me $200 to talk to her, but I’m just going to choose to look at it as a pricey therapy session with a happy ending!
The first hurdle has been jumped, and the gate keeper has given me access to the sperm! The next step is a consult with another sperm lady in 3 weeks. This one is more of a tour guide; she is going to walk me through everything involved in picking a donor, and help me to decide on the criteria that I'm looking for (when asked this question today I said: green eyes, tall, dark hair, and olive skin. In that order. It was pointed out to me that I may want to refine beyond the physical, but she was laughing with me anyway. I tried to explain that I’m not so concerned about creating my own little design-a-baby [complete with mad athletic skills and perfect SAT scores], but that I liked the idea of picking a guy with physical features similar to what I am normally attracted to, so that it would kind of be like a guy that I could have ended up with. She said that was fine, but that those four criteria would still leave me with a few hundred options, so I could expand out too!) The tour guide will also grant me entrance to the bank, and help me figure out how to navigate the website (since I am so techno illiterate, this is going to be helpful!) I won’t really start looking until after that consult (although, I’ve already trolled around the site a bit because… heck, it’s kind of fun!), but I’m getting in that mindset! What do you think? What traits does my baby to be need to get from their sperm daddy?
P.S. I went shopping at Costco today, and was accosted by good looking men. I was laughing to myself and thinking “either I don’t normally pay attention and this always happens, or somehow my decision to start dating again is being broadcast on my forehead!”
I swear to you ladies, if I didn’t know better I would have guessed that I was in heat!
ADSPACE
