I was searching the internet for some new music the other day (something I do more frequently than I care to admit) when I came upon this:
I found myself listening and loving it. It has a Tegan and Sara feel, and I’ve always really liked them. Anyway, the song was more than half-way over before I realized it was Christian music. I was shocked (I have to admit, I probably wouldn't even have listened if I had known that up front). I immediately headed over to iTunes and listened to more of their stuff, and the next thing I knew I had purchased the entire CD (it wasn’t until after I had clicked “purchase” that the voice in my head screamed “Wants vs. needs! Pull it together!” But by then it was too late to go back and un-purchase my new tunes [which only cost $6.00 for the entire album, FYI. So for those of you keeping track, I’ve only spent $21.99 on “wants” so far this month – The new “prettier” bible, the music, and a new iphone app so that I can play Mrs. King in scrabble even if we aren’t anywhere near each other - and since the majority of those purchases were faith-based, I’m going to go ahead and say I’m still doing a pretty good job at keeping my wants under control. Of course… I really do want a new camera. Sigh…) So now, I officially own my first album of Christian music.
I’m not sure I recognize myself anymore!
Along these same lines, the church is holding a fast this week. I’ve decided not to participate. I thought about it (I really did) but I just don’t think it’s the best thing for me right now. And before you jump to conclusions that I’m being lazy, hear me out: I have actually done liquid diets before and been fine. I did the master cleanse after both of my egg donations in an effort to clear my system out after all those hormones, and it really wasn’t that big a deal. I know I could do this, but… I get nauseous so easily since starting on the Lupron, and that nausea is exasperated by not eating. Not to mention, I can't even imagine taking all the pills I take with no food in my belly. I just don’t think it’s the “healthiest” thing for me to do right now, and since I am all about being healthy and getting my body strong and ready for baby making, I figured God would understand. But then I started thinking about other things I could give up. My first thought was TV (since I used to be a total TV junky), but I’ve been watching that so much less lately (I’m more than a week behind on my DVR) that it didn’t really seem like it would be a sacrifice anymore. So then I started thinking about what would be a sacrifice, and the only thing I could come up with is writing. I’ve been working on the book or blogging every day, and I seriously find myself looking forward to those moments when I can get home and spit out another chapter or expunge my thoughts for all the world to see; it’s becoming my favorite part of the day. And that is why it would be such a sacrifice for me to give up writing for a week. That’s also why I am not going to do it. This is becoming my “happy place” and if I gave up writing for a week I would just replace it with something less worthwhile (like catching up on my DVR), and I can’t imagine that being the point. So yeah, I can come up with a lot of excuses, but the truth is; I just don’t want to do it.
Garbage In, Garbage Out
Today’s sermon touched on forgiveness. I am the first to admit that forgiveness is not my forte. I’ve struggled with it my entire life, and when I feel like someone has truly wronged me it becomes very easy for me to just walk away. I am stubborn, and I don’t like the idea of forgiveness because it feels like saying that the awful thing that happened didn’t really happen, even though the awful (hurtful/painful/careless) thing did happen. The ex is a perfect example. The last time I saw him he smiled and waved, and I in turn flipped him off. Then when he texted me later to let me know that hadn’t been very nice, I responded that he was lucky he hadn’t been standing directly in front of me because I would have punched him in his stupid face (let’s be clear; I’ve never actually been a physically violent person. I just threaten physical violence from time to time to get my point across.) That was the last I heard from him. I know that he was probably trying to ease the tension and keep things drama free, but all I could think about was the fact that he had abandoned me. I know this man, and he is a good man (if not a stupid man). His intentions were not likely ever to really hurt me, and I would be willing to guess that he (in all his Libra glory) would love nothing more than if we could at least be friendly when we do happen to run into each other in public. I know that I should probably send him some witty text to let him know that all is well, and that we are “cool”, but I can’t. He disappeared when I needed him the most, and even though I can see now what I gained from his absence, I’m still angry. I don’t want to make him more comfortable.
Garbage In, Garbage Out
Then there’s my mother. She actually contacted me last month, wanting forgiveness and reentrance into my life. I couldn’t give it to her. I told her that she didn’t need my forgiveness, because I had let go of her absence a long time ago, but that I didn’t have room for her in my life now. I actually felt bad because my mother is not a bad person, just a really bad mother. I knew that she was probably very hurt by my response, and that it had probably taken a lot for her to reach out and admit where she had gone wrong, but I couldn’t help myself. I didn’t think it was fair that she could show up now (13 years after she decided being a mother to me was too difficult) and start all over. I am strong and happy and put together now, I don’t need her anymore. So why should I let her in when all the hard work is done? I knew, deep down, that I should have left that door open if for no other reason than because it was the right thing to do, but I couldn’t do it. Instead, I slammed the door and dead bolted the lock.
Garbage In, Garbage Out
And don’t even get me started on my stepmother. As far as I’m concerned, no one else in my entire life has ever damaged me so badly and for so long. I still find myself wishing for her to have even half the pain she caused me; hoping for catastrophic events to take out her entire world. I fantasize about really telling her off; about driving home to her what a complete piece of shit she is. I hold onto my rage against her like a child clinging to their favorite stuffed animal in the middle of a storm. I know I should let it go. I know if I could at least tone down my anger it would make life so much easier for my father, who I truly do love. I know it is not healthy to hold on to this kind of hatred. But the woman has never even asked for my forgiveness, and as far as I know she’s never even acknowledged any real wrong doing. How am I supposed to forgive under those circumstances? I refuse to pretend as though she didn’t spend years lying, manipulating and torturing. I just don't want to.
Garbage In, Garbage Out
I really hope this whole being a good Christian thing isn’t supposed to happen overnight, because if so; I’m failing miserably.
ADSPACE
