I’m still new the whole church thing (or rather, I’m newly returning to church, since I suppose it has always been a part of my life in some context. If you’re so inclined, you can read here to see what led me away in the first place, and what it was that brought me back). The past few weeks I’ve just sat by myself and observed. I’ve enjoyed going, but I haven’t really interacted. There have been announcements the last few Sunday's about a women’s bible study that was going to be starting up, but I hadn’t signed up or even really considered doing so. This last Sunday though (on some impromptu mission) I put my name on that list.
I think I was drawn to do this for 2 reasons. The first is that most days I do desperately miss my large, connected, supportive group of female friends from the lower 48. Up here I have a small handful of friends, who (unfortunately for me) all have lives to lead that are larger than my own. They all make room for me where they can, and I am blessed to have these women in my life, but some days; I feel lonely. I miss having my best friends living just the room or house over. I miss the convenience of it. I'm sure at some point the transition to the next stage of life where your friends are not your focal point is something that all women have to get used to, and I really am OK with it. I just miss the way it used to be sometimes. It doesn't help that I was also exposed to some not so great people and friendships when I first moved here (which happened mostly due my naivety that all women and all friendships were like those I left behind). It’s a small town, and a lot of these women have known each other since they were in diapers. It’s hard to find your niche, and even harder to find people who are genuine. When I first moved here I tried to fit myself into a group of girls who had been friends for life. Their dynamic was one that I will never understand. A lot of cattiness and a lot of talking behind each other’s backs. I’ll admit, I got sucked into it. I don’t even really know how it happened. An urge to fit in, a need to be liked (which I kind of thought you are supposed to outgrow by high school), and a mistaken belief that someone being kind to your face and seemingly supportive and helpful meant that they were your friend. Either way, I woke up one day and realized that I didn’t like the person (or the kind of friend) I was becoming. Then I realized, I didn’t like the person I had primarily been hanging out with either (or most of the awful things she had said behind my back... again, I thought you outgrew these things in high school, but apparently I was wrong). There just seemed like there was so much fakeness, and because of the genuine and loyal friendships I have had in my life, none of it felt right. I don’t know if it’s because some of these women really have been friends since childhood, and therefore have never outgrown the immaturity of high school friendships, or if it’s because it’s a small town and the competiveness (and ability to be in everyone’s business) is therefore amplified. All I knew, was that I couldn’t handle it. So, I’ve been spending a lot more time by myself, reasoning that it is better to really focus on me than to be sucked into negative and toxic friendships where someone can be perfectly nice and supportive to your face, and then use whatever they’ve just learned about you to fuel their gossip mill for the next two weeks. These women may be OK with that dynamic (they must be, they've lived with it their entire lives), but I am not. So yeah, I thought maybe this would be a way for me to meet some new women I could connect with, because I really don't hate the idea of having a stronger support system here.
I think the other reason was because of the topic of the bible study: Breaking Free. It’s Beth Moore, and the focus is on untying the chains that bind and moving forward in your life free of the cycles that have shaped your past. I am no stranger to cycles (bad, painful, destructive cycles), and while I feel as though I have come such a long way from the woman I once was, I do not deny that there is still a lot of work to be done (won’t there always be?) So, I paid my $25 (out of my $100 of discretionary spending I’m now allowing myself a month), and I vowed to give up my Tuesday nights (amidst all else that I have going on) to the cause of reinvention and rededication to what really matters. There were a few problems with this plan that I didn’t initially recognize, but I will get to those.
I showed up last night ready to make some friends, and immediately saw my mistake. These women all knew each other. In a room of 30 people, I felt like the only stranger. They have all been going to church together forever, and they all know exactly what to expect from these bible studies and from the other women in the room. It’s not like college, where everyone is new and looking for the same things. Here (in this state/town/church) I will always be the new girl. There is something incredibly unsettling about that, and in a group of people (especially women) who I do not know (but who all know each other) I will forever feel uncomfortable.
But it gets worse. Not only was I the new girl, but I was also the girl who probably did not belong (remember that old Seseme Street song "one of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn't belong." Yeah, that was me. The square peg amongst a bunch of circles). All these women are completely dedicated to Jesus and to this church. They wear their faith on their sleeves, and are clearly driven by a higher purpose. I will probably never be that type of Christian. I will always be spiritual, and I will always feel connected and driven towards doing my part to help the greater good, but it will probably always be a very private thing for me. I can’t imagine a time when I will be willing to so freely declare myself to anyone who will listen. I don’t know, it’s hard for me to explain, but there is a discomfort in that. I never want to offend, or exclude, and I am not of the belief that my way is the only way. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I want to be an ala carte Christian (where I can pick and choose what to be passionate about, and in this case, spreading the word is not my passion), and I am not naïve enough to think that I will ever fit in amongst devoutly religious people because of that fact. My friends and family are right in finding humor in my return to church; it is probably not somewhere where I will ever really belong.
The introductions began, and all these women started raving about their husbands and their children, and how long they’ve been involved in the Church. Then it was my turn. No husband. No children. Only been here for 6 weeks. “Where did you attend before?” one asked. “Nowhere” I replied. Crickets. The actual sound of crickets. I was distinctly aware of all eyes upon me, sizing me up and determining my worthiness. They weren’t the only ones. I was beginning to question my own worthiness, and wondering what on earth had made me think that this was where I belonged.
Then the study began and the bibles came out. Again, I sunk low in my chair. I’ve had the same bible for 15 years. My grandparents gave it to me when I was a kid, and it is old school. I could probably count on one hand the number of times I have cracked it open in my entire life. As I glanced around at these women with their new bibles (or bibles that had clearly been used and loved) with the updated versions (their words were different from mine… and I liked their words better!), and the prettier covers, I realized I was suddenly self conscious of my bible! I’m not even joking! I wanted to hide it, and immediately began planning where I could get a new one (on my new budget) so that I could fit in! How had this happened? I was always popular in school, I always made friends easily. Now, the one place in the world where I should feel the most accepted, had become the one place in the world where I felt the most like I did not belong. And it wasn't anything they did, it was just this feeling that washed over me of not being enough. In most other circumstances I could have found a way to ingratiate myself (I really can be quite charming when I try), but in this situation I was terrified of saying the wrong thing; of proving how little I truly understood about the topic at hand. I was not like these women. They were all better than me, in so many ways. And with that realization, I sunk into a deep pit of poor-me self-consciousness.
We began the video, and as Beth Moore started to speak about strongholds (and the things that can tie us down) I was struck by the fact that I have more of those than I even knew. I like to pretend that I am strong and put together and in control of this life. Sometimes (maybe even most times), that’s all bullshit. There is so much I would like to change about myself; so much I would like to improve upon. So, in the interest of honesty, here are my strongholds (in no particular order, and certainly not all-encompasing):
• Self-consciousness/self-loathing – I question myself, and my abilities; all of the time. I know what I am capable of; I know what I have accomplished. Still, time after time I find myself worrying about all the mistakes I could make, or of all the ways in which I am just not enough. I know I am a good person, so why would I have allowed myself to feel so uncomfortable in this new setting? I may not be the “right” kind of Christian, but these women don’t know what I am. Why couldn’t I just give them the chance to get to know me before automatically assuming we could never connect and they would forever judge me?
• Fear – of everything. Fear of failure. Fear of making the wrong decisions. Fear of letting people down. There are days when I am crippled by fear.
• Rage – over my past, and the childhood of which I often feel I was robbed. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned how to hide or tone-down this rage much better, but I still hold onto it; I still shelter it deep down in my heart. I harbor an anger for the people who let me down and didn’t protect me, and I stubbornly refuse to let it go for fear that if I let it go, that will mean it never happened. And it did happen. It happened, and it broke me down in so many ways, but it also shaped me and the woman I became. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering that.
• Walls – that I built up all around myself, and that define my inability to let anyone in, to let anyone love me, or to let anyone ever even consider taking care of me... ever. I have slowly broken down some of these walls, but there is still (and possibly always will be) a barrier between the outside world and my heart.
This study includes nightly homework, and I have never been great about homework. I retain information really easily, and was one of those annoying people who always succeeded in school without even trying. When I started to do my homework tonight, I followed my regular pattern of moving as fast as I could from question to question without really reading into the context. I had to stop myself and slow down, because while I could go through my old (and apparently “uncool”) bible quickly to find the answers, I knew that wasn’t the point. I want to change, I want to grow, and I want to release myself from those strongholds. I want to become a better version of me, if not a better Christian. The truth is, I will probably never be the “right” kind of Christian, and there is a possibility that I will never fit in with these women (there is an even greater possibility that most of my answers may be "wrong" and that my understanding of the context is not what I am really supposed to be getting out of any of this... for the first time in my life I may end up being the stupid kid who holds the rest of the class up), but that’s not necessarily what I am striving for here. I do want to build my relationship with God, but I will probably never wear that on my sleeve. Still, I do believe that I can do this my way, and still get something great out of it.
So here’s to Breaking Free; week one. If nothing else, this baby is going to have the most enlightened and self-aware mommy ever!
ADSPACE
