I received an email yesterday from the center I donated my eggs through. It said that the family I donated to in July of 2007 had given birth to twins (a boy and a girl) in 2008. They’re now looking to extend their family further and were wondering if I would be willing to donate to them again. I know that 14 eggs were originally retrieved, so I’m not sure if they have already used all the frozen eggs or are simply opting for the better odds of a fresh cycle, but I wouldn’t mind knowing; if only to have another perspective on the success rates of one option versus the other.
Regardless, this e-mail was a bit of an initial sting for a number of reasons. First of all, I felt the familiar pang of jealousy I have right now when faced with any woman blessed with children, but this pang was even worse because I helped create those babies. I can’t help but feel like I’m owed a baby of my own when I’m reminded that I helped give two to someone else. I have always said that I feel no claim on those children whatsoever (their mothers carried them, nurtured them with their bodies, gave birth to them, and are there every second of their lives now), but there is that reminder that on some level they are a part of me. I never thought I wouldn’t be able to make some of my own, and now that that’s a possibility it is hard to be faced head on with the fact that there are now children out there that might be just like the ones I could have had. Secondly, there is the tiniest part of me that blames my problems on my donations. I don’t regret donating, and I don’t think that I would take it back (I know now more than ever how much what I did meant to those women), but the timing of everything does make me feel that my endo was probably always an underlying condition, and that putting my body through that process (and those drugs) not once, but twice (and then not returning to the pill) is what amped the disease into high gear. Like I said, I still refuse to regret the decision to donate, but every time I'm reminded of how the decision I made back then has effected me now it's a bit of a kick in the butt. Finally, I actually would like to help this family. I truly understand now how difficult it is to not be able to do this on your own. I always felt for the women I helped, but I never really got how painful their journey was. Now this family has two babies with my DNA, and there is nothing in the world I would love to do more than help them complete the large family they (and I) have longed for. I do feel a connection to them, and I do want to help them, but obviously I can’t.
I waited 24 hours to respond to the woman, mostly because I wasn’t sure how to respond. I finally penned a characteristically long email detailing my plight of the last year and urging her to please pass this information (as well as my newly acquired knowledge of my mother’s and maternal grandmother’s hysterectomies due to endo) onto the families I donated to, so that they could begin early treatment for their daughters (i.e. the pill) once they entered puberty. I finally ended the email by saying that as much as I wish I could help, I’m simply not in the position to do so at this time. I told her that I’m looking into doing IVF or egg freezing myself here in the next year, and I need to be looking towards finding a way to make a family happen for myself now.
I thought a lot about the last sentence I wrote, but then for good measure I stated that I wouldn’t be opposed to going “halvsies” (yes, I used that non-word) with this family, if we could find a way to make a cycle equally beneficial for both of us (i.e. we each get half the eggs). There were so many legalities involved in both of my donations that I don’t think there is a lawyer or doctor in this world that would actually take that case on, but I figured “What the hell?” I really would like to help this family, and it’s not like I need 14 eggs for myself (hopefully); maybe there is a way to make it work? I obviously wouldn’t want to be paid in that situation, but it wouldn’t hurt to have someone splitting the costs of the procedure with me either (although, the cost of IVF doesn't worry me nearly as much as the cost of actually raising a child). Am I totally crazy? It probably doesn’t even matter, because like I said, I don’t think there is any way to make it work; it didn't hurt to ask though, right?
I've got to say, I wouldn’t mind seeing pictures of those twins. If I’m going to sink all that money into having a baby, I wouldn’t hate knowing that it at least has some adorable genetic siblings out there, thereby increasing the odds that it would be equally adorable!
ADSPACE
