The nausea was the first thing to hit. I was told that I would have about a week before I started having side effects (because the shot itself is supposed to last for 3 months), but the day after my first shot I was sitting at my desk eating strawberries when all of a sudden I had a wave of nausea just wash over me and I was retching in my trash can (always a confidence booster at work!) As soon as it passed I sat there staring at my desk for a minute (trying to ascertain whether or not anyone had heard my lovely display), when I noticed the overly sugared and iced brownie that I had bought the day prior. Suddenly I was starving, and I ate the entire thing right then and there (and it was not a small brownie) and held it down just fine. That’s when I knew I was in trouble. It’s gotten better, but it is still there, and it sneaks up on me out of nowhere. Certain smells (or sights) just set me off. We had board meetings a few weeks ago and some genius ordered sushi for everyone. I sat through all those meetings working extremely hard not to look at the sushi, because the sight of it was all I needed to be pushed over the edge. Another fun one is my boss’s cologne. It is horrendous. It has always been horrendous. Now though, I can’t be in the same room with him without feeling like I’m going to lose my last meal. How exactly am I supposed to bring that up? Then today our maintenance guy thought it would be really funny to show me the dead shrew he had just caught in a trap. I literally was losing my breakfast at my desk within seconds... I don't think he'll do that again. Usually I feel fine as soon as I vomit though, so I almost prefer those moments to the times when the nausea just lingers... I’m eating so much less right now, and then even when I feel better I just can't bring myself to go all out because I’m afraid of anything that may upset my stomach (but don't kid yourself into thinking I'm losing weight, the Lupron helps me keep that on too!) I’ve pretty much completely given up on drinking because I can’t even fathom surviving a hangover right now.
Then there are the hot flashes, which are particularly special and come out of nowhere. I leave the house every day bundled up for the brisk winter weather, and before I know it I can feel the heat start in my cheeks and then run down the back of my neck. I am tearing off layers and sweating, and people are looking at me like I’ve lost it. Then a few minutes pass and I’m freezing, because I’ve now sweat through my clothes and am drenched. By that point the hot flash has passed and my soaking wet body is turning into an icicle. The night sweats are fun too. I go to bed cold, and then I wake up in sheets that are completely saturated. My poor roommate walks around the house all bundled up because I’ve turned the heat down to 61 degrees (no joke), and I still find myself sweating. Why would any man want to sleep next to me right now?
Another one is the fact that I’m tired all the time; I honestly feel like I can’t get enough sleep. My energy level is completely pathetic, and I feel like such a loser because I never want to do anything anymore. This last Saturday I went to bed at 9pm (I am 26 years old, that is simply unacceptable), and then slept in until 10am Sunday morning. I don’t even know how I did it, but then I was ready for bed again by 9 Sunday night. I’m going to San Diego this week to catch up with my favorite girls, and I am terrified my friends aren't going to love me anymore because I simply cannot imagine keeping up with them! I've become a little old lady who sits around complaining about how tired she is and how sick she feels. I never used to be like that! I used to be fun, I swear!
One of the things I was most excited about when I started Lupron was that I stopped bleeding. I had been spotting for months, and it was really putting a damper on any potential sex life I saw for myself (there is something that makes you feel just that much more un-fresh when you are constantly bleeding!), but, after a few days of being all-clear, I started spotting again. It hasn’t stopped since. It’s not bad, or heavy, but it’s just always there. I know I saw a movie once upon a time (South Park?) where one of the characters said "never trust anything that bleeds for a week and doesn't die". Well what about something that bleeds for 5 straight months? This is getting ridiculous now, never has there been a better STD repellant than how un-sexy a steady stream of blood can make you feel!
But it's my irritability that has caught me the most off guard. I’ve always been a little high-strung and prone to panic, but I’ve also always been pretty patient with the people in my life. Lately though, I feel like I am on edge all the time. I just don't feel like myself, and I feel guilty because I know I haven’t been the easiest person to be around. There are people in my life who I really do love, but who I can't even talk to right now because I don't have the patience to deal with them, and everything they say seems to irritate me. What is that? I know I’m being unreasonable, but it's almost like I just can't help it. I am on edge... all of the time, just waiting for someone to say the wrong thing.
As a result of my new-found irritability, I’ve caught myself resisting the urge to use the C-word (c-u-n-t), which was never before a common utterance in my vernacular (although, I did see The Vagina Monologues years ago, and they had an entire monologue devoted to reclaiming ownership of the word; since then I’m less opposed to it than I was before) but suddenly everyone is a Cunt. In my defense, I haven’t actually outright called anyone that, but I think it. I think it a lot. I've been thinking it in daggers towards a certain person who I’m consistently annoyed with having to deal with (so much so that I'm sure she can feel it) "Cunt Cunt Cunt!" Sometimes I even add it to songs and sing it in my head. It's quite possible that it has become my new favorite word, and yet I still haven't dared to speak it out loud in anyone's presence. Sometimes I think it so hard though, that I'm surprised it hasn't actually popped out. Think about it. If you were really pissed off (and let's face facts, lately I've been pretty pissed), how great would it feel to scream that word at the top of your lungs? And how much greater would it feel to direct it towards someone who really deserves it?
The thing is, I never used to be an angry, aggressive person (OK, I can hold a grudge, but I am also capable of just killing people with kindness, or using my silence as the best possible weapon), but lately I feel like I am ready to explode. I feel like I have no control over my emotions, and every little thing makes me feel like boiling over. There are people in my life who I know are not good people, but who I have to deal with at fairly regular intervals, because that’s just life. I’ve always prided myself on being able to handle these people with grace, and not even kind of allowing them to effect my day. Now though, I don't have the patience to be around people I know are crappy. I feel like dropping the "adult" act I have going on and calling them on all of their shit. I no longer want to "rise above", instead I want to get down in the mud and give them some of their own medicine. And that my friends, would be a very wrong thing to do. So instead, I find myself counting backwards from ten, thinking naughty words, and reminding myself to breathe daily (if not hourly).
The worst though (by far) is how emotional I’ve been. I cry over nothing now, and I was never a big crier. It’s like I have no control, I just start crying over the simplest things, and then I cry even more because I’m mad at myself for crying (yes, my irritability is directed the most towards myself right now, more often than not due to my inability to control my emotions). Today I started crying because I got a raise, but it wasn’t as much as I had hoped for. I waited until I got to my car, but still. I've been calculating all the possible costs of a potential baby in my head and I don’t see how I can possibly make it work on my current salary. When I found out I was getting a raise, I guess I was hoping for a boost that could make up for that difference, and this boost didn’t come anywhere near that. But come on now, what kind of a person cries because they got a raise?
I am sweaty, and bleeding, and whiney, and cranky, and puk-ey. I am putting on water weight (at least that’s what I like to call it) in all the wrong places. I can’t believe the men aren’t knocking down the door right now, can you? I am a hot fucking mess. What kind of man wouldn’t want me just like this?!? If I can’t find a man in the condition I’m in to fall in love with me (and to fall in love with back, which may be the real leap because let’s face it, I can only handle people in short intervals right now!), then there is truly something wrong with this world, right?
The irony here is that I’m told I’m running out of time; that if I am going to find a baby daddy it needs to happen now. Yet, the drug they put me on to buy me more time makes me less and less attractive to the opposite sex every day. I’m about to start begging for sex on the streets. OK, not really (I’m pretty sure I could get it if I really wanted it), but seriously, how am I supposed to find a partner when no part of me feels desirable or attractive. I don’t even want to flirt (I’m actually getting annoyed lately when men try) and I used to be a damn good flirt! I kind of look at the men who hit on me right now (and surprisingly, there are more than you would think) and all I can think is “Do you see me right now? I haven’t slept right in weeks (hence the dark circles), I’ve given up on make-up, and I just threw up 30 seconds ago. Where are your standards?” I’ve decided that if they’re flirting with me in the state that I’m in, there must be something wrong with them.
And that is the joy of Lupron. This drug is a bitch, and apparently now, so am I…
