I wrote this a week after my last surgery (so a week after I received the most devastating news of my life). I don’t know why I wrote it. I was in my car and I just “felt” it. I feverishly started typing on my i-phone while driving (not so smart or safe anywhere, but especially in the AK in the winter time!) Anyway, it just made me feel better. Like I had decided, and what I had decided was that this disease was not going to decide for me. I think I want a reminder of that indignation stepping into the New Year, because indignation is what gets things done in my world:
So here’s what happened: I cried. Then I cried some more. I buried myself under my covers, and I cried for a week. Then I stood up, wiped my ass off, washed my face, and said “fuck this”. I have lost too much in my life, I have had too much taken away. Time after time I have had to be “strong”. I have had to pull myself together with no help, and survive… thrive. I will not do that now. I will not simply accept this as my lot in life and move forward. I will not be “strong”. I will be fierce. I will be angry. I will fight and I will win. I will pray for my miracle, because I deserve a fucking miracle. I will leave no stone unturned. I don’t care what anyone tells me. I will be a mom. I will get fat and pregnant. I will scream my way through a natural birth. I will have this. This one time, I will win.
ADSPACE
