I continued what has to be the worst Christmas tradition ever tonight. Christmas has always been one of my least favorite holidays, for reasons I can’t even really explain without going into a lot of boring and painful memories of Christmas past; and I am determined to focus on Christmas present and Christmas future this year if it kills me. Anyway, as a way to counteract some of my Christmas blues throughout the years, I have engaged in retail therapy (my one enduring vice whenever I’m down) and bought myself some overpriced “want” (versus “need”; a distinction I am working more and more on recognizing) and called it my Christmas present to myself. This year I was doing really well not going down that route, but then today I braved my way out into the Holiday traffic and went shopping with my eye on one prize and one prize only: A flat screen TV.
When I moved from San Diego I literally sold every one of my belongings. I packed my clothes into one suitcase, and then threw that in my car for the long drive to starting over. I loved it. I thought it was the greatest idea I had ever had to completely cleanse myself of everything and begin anew. Little did I know at the time that everything in Anchorage costs more than anywhere else; much much more. There is no IKEA, Overstock won’t deliver, and even used items on Craigslist are insanely overpriced. I have kicked myself 100 times over the last year and a half when I have gone to buy anything from a bed to artwork. Still, I have slowly but surely added to my possessions again. Since I moved into my house though I have been watching a tiny (15”) tube TV loaned to me by a friend of a friend who was getting ready to toss it. Everyone who walks into my house comments on it, and even I have to admit I’ve found myself standing inches away from it from time to time trying to decipher some note that whatever television program I am watching didn’t deem necessary to read aloud. I have wanted a new TV since I bought my home, but they are so darn expensive (at least in the realm of “wants” vs. “needs”), so instead I have looked, and finagled, and backed out… every single time.
I received a pretty decent Christmas Bonus last week, and paid off some of my medical debt from the past year with it. I had promised myself I wasn’t going to use it on anything that qualified as a “want” because this was the start of a new me, and who knows what my “needs” are going to be next year with whatever choice I decide to make (let me remind you that none of those choices will be covered by insurance). But then I woke up this morning feeling extremely rebellious, and the next thing I knew I was out shopping for TV’s. When I found a 26” Samsung LCD that was marked down $150 I couldn’t help myself (or at least that’s what I’m claiming). And so, another year has passed where I have bought myself an expensive present I do not need, reasoning that it’s not like anyone else is going to buy it for me. This is what happens when you don’t have a husband or children: you make selfish, unnecessary purchases because there isn’t really any reason not to.
And it was as I was making this purchase that I realized that this is how things have always been. I have always been able to provide for myself whatever I have needed (or wanted) and I have taken great pride in that. I don’t wait around for someone to lend me a helping hand (or give me a generous gift). When I want something, I take care of me. I’m lucky because I have always been able to do this, but tonight it had me thinking "Why should a baby be any different?" I have always been able to handle anything handed to me, and I have never gone long without something I’ve wanted. I am strong. I am capable. And I am stubborn enough to get what I want when I want it all on my own if that’s how it has to be. Santa wasn’t going to bring me a flat screen, and he’s not going to bring me a baby either. Maybe this time next year the gift I need to give myself is a family, no matter how unconventional that family may be.
I would rather have a baby than a flat screen any day.
ADSPACE
