When I walked in the door tonight my bed was cluttered with mail (mostly bills and Christmas cards), and there are now two bags that need to be unpacked, laundry that needs to be done, and groceries that need to be bought (I had half a PB&J for dinner because that’s all that I had in my cupboards)… Instead of doing any of this, I made an absurdly large bowl of popcorn, crawled into my bed that I have so dearly missed, and caught up on my DVR… I can handle the rest tomorrow, I am just so happy to be home and back to my quiet routine.
I’m lying here ready for bed far too early, and pondering another email I received yesterday. Seattle Reproductive Medicine got back to me with my AMH levels. The point of that test was to verify that I do still have eggs to retrieve. A previous test hadn’t looked great, but my RE was pretty sure that was because of all the hormones I was on, and I wasn’t too worried because I knew I had similar tests for both my donations and there were more than enough eggs then; it just wouldn’t have made sense that my supply would have depleted so drastically. The results basically confirmed that. My levels were 1.2, and anything above 1 is considered normal (hooray for good news!) It’s a range up to 3, so it’s not the greatest number possible, but at least it’s above normal. The RE wrote that she didn’t think there would be any issues retrieving eggs to freeze. This of course got me in a tizzy again, because it was basically like she was assuming that I had already made my decision, when of course I haven’t. I don’t know why it bothers me so much, but I just don’t like the idea of someone who doesn’t know me at all assuming they know what’s best for me, and I really don’t like the idea of this Dr. or her staff judging me if I choose differently than she thinks I should, especially since they are still going to be the ones getting me through these cycles no matter what I choose. I wrote her right back and asked her for the pregnancy success rates of egg freezing, embryo freezing, and fresh cycles. Her response was:
“I would estimate that pregnancy rates from egg freezing are about 30%, embryo freezing 40% and fresh 60%. Please keep in mind these are estimates only, based on the best of my knowledge!”
Those odds aren’t good. In fact they’re even less than what I had originally assumed. I knew egg freezing odds were low, but I didn’t realize that embryo freezing was so low too, and to be completely honest, I really thought fresh IVF cycles had higher success rates. I’m not even a little bit stoked on the 60% odds of that (and really, who would be? That’s my best option, and it’s just barely better than a coin toss), but I’m really not all that moved to bank on something with 30% odds. How can any doctor, in good conscience, encourage those odds? And how can she continue to act like that’s the only responsible choice for me to make? At the end of the day it’s all going to cost about the same (egg freezing is actually a bit more expensive), so I hate that the choice I’m “supposed” to make is the one with the worst odds. It’s kind of like saying “Well, something is obviously wrong with you since you don’t have a husband by now, so you should just be thankful with what little we can offer someone like you.” I feel like I'm supposed to show up with bank statements and background checks just to prove to her that I'm worth those 60% odds.
I need to wrap my head around some of this the next few days and then just make a decision. I can’t keep going back and forth. My vacation gave me a chance to ignore this all for a few days, but now it's time to face it. I need to just decide, and then start working on making that decision a reality.
What’s the best way to make an impossible choice?
