Thursday night was my night with one of my all time favorite girls. Kris was working the rest of my weekend here, so I had promised to dedicate this one night to her. She is one of the most fashionable, perfectly put together women I know, so I did my best to try and keep up. I put on a party dress and heels (circa sweet 16), and got myself dolled up for the first time in months (which I think I needed more than I knew… there is something to be said for reminding yourself that you can look good when you try). She showed up and of course looked fabulous in booty shorts, leggings, a white top, a leather jacket and the hottest boots I have ever seen (a look I could never in a million years have pulled off, but that was absolute perfection on her… bitch!) I immediately felt silly next to her, but I always do and I love the girl so much that I refuse to care! We really are quite the pair. I am tall (5’7”) and curvy (but in a way that I love and am proud of), and Kris is small (maybe 5’) and petite (with the exception of her new additions up top that almost rival mine!) I always joke that when we are in pictures together it looks like I’m the gentle giant about ready to eat her!
We went to my favorite restaurant in town (JRDN in the T23 hotel), had the raspberry mojito martinis I adore (there is nothing comparable in the AK), and ordered the cheese plate I crave while we caught up. I then had a glass of my favorite wine (that I can only find at that restaurant) and we went to a show at The Comedy Store. We walked in and were of course seated right in the front (both of us had the twins out and on display; we were prime comedy material), and we were the butt of quite a few jokes and come-ons! That’s half the fun though, right? Half-way through we decided to play the Lesbian card and that produced a whole new slew of jokes (the best looking comedian there [by far] made sure to let us know how fond he was of our work… I almost wanted to take it back!) I had 2 drinks there (a Baileys and Coffee and a Bacardi and Diet) officially making it the most I’ve had to drink in at least 5 months, all in one night! I was still feeling pretty OK though.
Once the show was over we went to my old bar, and that’s when things started to go downhill. Fast forward at least 6 shots of tequila later (my drink of choice back in the day), and I had some poor 24 year old marine following me around like a sad puppy dog (my big pick up line as this guy started to get too forward was “I’m infertile and need to have a baby soon, and I’m not going to hook up with you tonight, so you probably shouldn’t waste your time”… classy, I know. The weird thing is, it didn’t detour him… at all. What is wrong with boys?), but, he was good-looking and tall, so I let him chase me. The other problem was that Kris and I had been going shot for shot, and even though she drinks much more often than me now, I also have at least 50 pounds on her, so she was drunk… really drunk… angry drunk. At the point when one of my old bouncers came and told me it was time to find a ride home for her I called her boyfriend (who is easily one of my favorite guys that any of my friends have. He is such a good guy, and the perfect complement to my spunky little Kris) and got her taken care of. For some inexplicable reason I decided to go back in though, by myself. This was an especially odd choice given the fact that I had fallen walking Kris out… hard. Heels and booze don’t mix for me, and I was bloody and cut everywhere, but especially my knee:
You have to understand, I spent so much time in this bar (working and drinking) over the years that it used to feel like home. I think I wanted to feel like that again; to feel like this was where I belonged. But without Kris by my side I was left to look around at all these young, perfect girls dressed in all the hippest trends and drinking their asses off like this was all they wanted out of life; I suddenly felt extremely stupid in my party dress with my drink in my hand and a young boy following me around like I was the coolest person he had ever met. I wasn’t feeling very cool. I was feeling like a grown up with too many problems on her plate to be getting drunk in a bar like she was 21 again. So, I logically ordered more shots. Eventually I started to feel like crying, at my bar. The place was packed, and even though I have friends there who love me, they were busy and working and this was not the place or the time. I left before I could make an even bigger ass of myself.
As I was walking out though, the booze and the emotions and the reminder that this wasn’t where I belonged anymore all hit me, and I really couldn’t hold back the tears. One of my old bouncers caught me (to make sure I was OK) and I couldn’t even really explain what was wrong. I just kept walking. Then I heard the marine following me, and calling out my name (only he was pronouncing it all wrong) and I turned around with tears in my eyes (and embarrassed over the indignity of yet another stranger seeing me cry) and yelled at him “That’s not my name! You’re saying it wrong! Leave me alone, I already told you you’re not getting any!” He stopped following me after that… Poor guy, he probably really was just trying to be nice!
I cried the entire 6 blocks “home” (because it’s hard not to think of that house on Thomas Street as my home after all the happy memories I had there with my girls), and when I walked in the front door Al was there to hold me and let me cry. So, that’s what I did. I cried in her lap for a good hour, just sobbing so hard I couldn’t stop. It was probably something I really needed (I haven’t cried like that with someone who loves me at all yet, and it was nice to have her there just letting me fall apart as much as I needed to), but in retrospect the booze had me being all kinds of over-dramatic, so I think I scared my poor old friend into thinking I was truly loosing it over this. I’m not, really; it was just that I am already over emotional, and the combination of booze and Lupron was probably not my best idea ever. And, I really did want to come here and just feel better, but this isn’t my “home” anymore, and that world I tried to blend into last night isn’t my world anymore. That realization was a bigger kick in the ass than I would have expected, but it’s the reason I left here over a year and a half ago, so I don’t know why I was so surprised to find that being drunk in a bar wasn’t what I needed to feel better. That’s just not my life anymore; even more than that, I don’t want it to be.
I woke up this morning to find this on the floor next to the couch I passed out crying on:
Does that look like the scene of a drunken breakdown, or what?!? Scattered beads of a shattered bracelet: check. Tossed aside clothing in a fit of rage over a night that did not turn out how a party dress night should: check. The unintentional forfeit of most of my dignity: double check. I was clothed on the couch only because Al dug my pajamas out of my bag and forced me to get dressed. I have good friends. I have friends who love me. I really am so lucky for these ladies in my life. Especially because they all realized that drinking wasn’t what I needed either, so here we are, on a Friday night in PB; sitting on the couch, watching stupid TV, and eating yogurt from Yogurt Land (why has this fad not hit Alaska? I have coconut and blueberry tart yogurt combined with yogurt chips, brownie bites, and actual toasted coconut… it is heaven, and much better than a shot of tequila!) We may even walk to my favorite hot dog stand (the scene of many a drunken night once upon a time) later and get the veggie dogs with cream cheese, shredded cheese, and nacho cheese that I love (yes, I know it sounds disgusting, but I swear it is the best thing ever!) Tomorrow we are making Christmas cookies, and I am putting together a big cheese platter for the Holiday Hoopla house party the girls are putting on (the party I plan on staying 100% sober for!) This may not be my life anymore, but these girls are my heart, and I am exactly where I want to be in this moment… I'll have plenty of time to get back to my new home and figure out how to make this life work for me in just a few days.
