16 & Pregnant

I made the mistake of watching a marathon of 16 and pregnant last night (such a bad idea; I of course wound up in tears). I had put my DVR on pause while I went to brush my teeth, and as I was brushing I was pondering. That’s where I found myself thinking that if I had gotten pregnant at 16 I would have figured it out (and hopefully better than some of these girls, one of whom is kind of a train wreck [and an assault charge waiting to happen]). In an instant I realized, “if I am sitting here thinking I could have figured it out then, why couldn’t I figure it out now?”

When I think about all the times that I could have gotten pregnant if I had been just a little less responsible… Well, in truth I probably wouldn’t have wanted to get pregnant. I’m starting to think no daddy would be better than some of the daddies I could have stuck my kid with! I have been with 13 men (I think… sometimes I feel like I’m forgetting one [and my poor father just reached for a fork to gauge his own eyes out with]). Of those, I can only imagine ever wanting to raise a child with maybe 3 (and I’m not even thinking of this in a relationship sense, I’m just thinking about their abilities to be a decent parent). The good news is; I actually came to this realization about two years ago (after a scare with one of the men I would not have wanted to raise a child with), and I really started to tighten up my standards regarding suitable partners for my bed! The bad news is; I get laid a whole lot less now.

The point was, I caught myself off guard by thinking “I could have done that, if it had happened”. If I could have figured it out had it just “happened”, why can’t I figure it out now by choice? It’s because I’m scared, that’s why. When you forget to take your pill, or the condom breaks and you just wind up pregnant, well yeah, you figure it out. You do the best you can (and no one expects any more of you). But when you actually make that choice; when you choose to bring a baby into this world all by yourself (and spend an exorbitant amount of money doing so), suddenly it’s bigger. You have to do better than your best, because your best may not be enough and this was a choice you made so you have to be enough. You know what else? If I choose to do it alone, then there will be no happy willing daddy there to pick up the pieces if I mess it all up, and that will have been a choice I made; the almost impossible task of being both Mommy and Daddy. What if I’m not enough?

I feel like my entire life is ruled by a fear of making mistakes right now. I never used to be so afraid.